Simply Sneaky

No pity, just your ears is all I want.

2010-10-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

So I was out of town last week for the entire week.

It was a nice time, quiet. Lake with cabins and trees and deer and nature.
I read two books, took naps, avoided things that I didn't want to think about.

Now I am back and the things that I didn't think about were all waiting at the door.
Wearing flashy neon shirts, waves their arms wildly, making sure that I didn't forget them.

Oh I didn't forget. As hard as I tried, I knew they would be there when I got back.
Those little demons gnawed at me all night long last night. I thought things that in the light of day in my prescription drug induced calm, make me feel really sad. REALLY sad.

My health is not good. My relationship is struggling. Money is non existant. The excitement of going back to college has gone away as I really can't afford to buy the supplies I need for the photography classes. More poor choices, I should have known. What in the world ever made me think I could make something work this time.?.

I swear every time I light a little candle, I see that glimmer of hope and love and all that is good in my world, the breeze picks up and blows it out. Then I am left standing there smelling that horrid smoke drifting up from the wick.

When I start to think that there is only one way out of this whole sordid mess...I see the faces of my children when they were little. His wide smile and mischievious eyes, the other's blond curls that I stroked as he laid his head on my shoulder and her beautiful, one dimpled little face. I see my sister, who already feels so alone and lonely. I see the man that I love, who came to me half way through this life and made my heart love again, explode with a love that I didn't really think was possible for me. When I see those faces in my mind's eye, I KNOW that that way out is not an option.

So.

I will pick up another dish and wash it. I will fold more clean clothes.

I will find a way to make it through today.

Happiness

2010-09-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

Oops. Almost two months have past since I posted last.

Had he not died 20 years ago, my dad would have been 85 years old last week.
I can't even imagine him as an "old" man, feeble and rickety.
I never really "knew" my dad even though I lived with him for 18 years.
The things I did know, or that I can look back at now and realize are that he was an angry, unhappy, probably depressed individual. To the outside world? He was Mr. Great. Funny, charming, friendly and happy. At home he was not that man. Sure we had a few fun times, but not more than I could count on my one hand. He farmed and raised cattle. He worked very, very hard in ugly weather conditions.
I spent many, many hours trying to be perfect and quiet and "right", so as not to anger him or embarrass him or cause him to explode. Because when he did explode?? Holy Hell, it was not pretty. It was pretty darn scary.
I suppose that he would be classified as a "good man". He worked, we were not hungry or unclothed.
I just wish, now, that he could have been happy. It seems so sad to think of someone as being that unhappy all the time.
As I think of him and that unhappiness, it makes me want more for myself. Find happiness and revel in it. Throw off that cloak of guilt and despair and live.
One thing my dad did that I never understood was that he would drive around. Just drive. Going about 30 miles per hour on our back country, gravel roads. Left arm hanging out the window, farmer's cap perched a little ways back on his head, cigar between his fingers or in his mouth. Usually he was listening to a Royal's or Cardinal's baseball game on the scratchy am radio station broadcasting out of the city many miles away. He looked and watched and "farmed" from the pickup cab.
Now I find myself doing that same thing. No, not on dusty, country roads but on big city streets.
Usually with my window rolled down, my left arm hanging out, my camera on the seat next to me.
I look. I watch. I wonder. I find the beauty of the city with my camera lens. Sometimes it's the same street, the same park. But it always looks a little different. The lighting, the weather, my mood.
I find it extremely comforting looking for that beauty. I am continually finding beauty where I least expect it. It makes me happy.
I wonder if when my dad looked out his pickup window at the passing fields and pastures and hay bales if he saw the beauty of that? Did it make him happy? Was he happy?
I sure hope so.

LOST

2010-07-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

It's 1 am and we just got done watching the finale of Season 3 of Lost on Netflix. Gosh, that is a good show. As I watch it, I can't help but wish just a little bit that I could live on an island like that. For a little while anyway. The thing that attracts me to that idea is not the beautiful ocean or the sandy beaches, but something far different.
Everyone on that island in Lost is basically on the same footing. Nothing on that island really differenciates any of the people from the others. Money means nothing. Social standing means nothing. Nothing means anything. It is just basic survival. The common goal is to stay alive.
I wish I knew a world where money meant nothing. Where age, size, color, gender..none of it mattered. I can't imagine it really, but I think it would be grand to try it out for a bit.
I spend 95% of my time trying to figure a way out of working at the fast food place. It's constantly on my mind. Every day that I go there, I hate it just a little bit more. Every day that I go there, I die on the inside just a little bit more. Some dramatic? Sound sorry for myself?? Go and try it for just one week. Then let's talk.
Job opportunities come and I apply and they pass me by each and every time. I am tired of looking for something. I am almost at the point of giving up. It is too hard to constantly stick your foot out there hoping to catch it in the door somewhere and have it smashed each and every time.
The other 5% of my time is spent worrying. Fretting. and worrying some more.
It just all seems pretty grim.
I have been looking for a job for almost 2 years now. The economy (they say) is picking up but the job market sure doesn't appear to be doing much better. One job that I applied for recently had 545 applicants. And believe me, it was not a glamorous, high paying job.
It's late. Being tired does not help my mood.
Maybe tomorrow things will look brighter.
I am not holding my breath though.

July already?

2010-07-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

Good grief I can't believe it has been nearly a month since I posted last. Funny how on my old blog I posted nearly every single day and here I rarely post. I guess I should get back into the swing of it because I used to really enjoy writing. I still read blogs every day, though.

Things might be looking up a bit for my family. My oldest son may have a lead on a job that would be almost too good to be true for him, a real possible start to his career. I am super excited for him and will give more details when everything is for sure, fo sho.
My middle son is getting ready to enter the final faze of his schooling at a tech school where he will learn instrument building and repair. His real love is music and playing in his band and this should compliment that well, plus should be a career that he loves and hopefully can earn a good living from.
Tonight his band is playing in our city for the first time, so I am really excited to go see them again and take along a friend or two, too.
My daughter is doing well also, and as it goes with young adults she has decided to continue on with her schooling now. The culinary school that she wanted to go to is rather expensive and is not available for federal student loans, soooo she is going to finish up a business degree with hopes of saving some of the money needed for the culinary school in a year or so. She is madly in love with her boyfriend and they seem to be getting along very well in their apartment and with their summer jobs.
So. All is well on that front.
I have an interview on Thursday for a job that I would really like and am getting my game face ready and boosting myself up to go in there with all I've got to give. I am contemplating buying a new outfit, nothing horribly expensive or anything, but something that I would feel good in, and look really good in. To give the BEST first impression that I can give. I have clothes that I could wear, but sometimes a girl needs that little extra something something, yanno? Still thinking about what to get yet.
The b/f and I have done some fun things in the past couple weeks. We visited some of his friends at a campground where they have a camper and guest house set up. That was relaxing and fun. We took the b/f's girls to the lake on the weekend and hung out there for several hours and went to a picnic for the 4th at his sister's house which was fun, too. Yummy food and good fireworks.
We picked our first produce from the garden this past weekend. Two bell peppers and a "mess" of green beans. Both were tasty! I am chuckling to myself about writing a "mess" of green beans. That is something my mom used to say and I am not exactly sure what it means, but I think it means like a bunch or a lot or something. ( It be hillbilly talk, I think. )
I cooked the beans with some bacon and onions and they turned out really good.
Other than that? I don't know a whole lot else.
Keep your fingers crossed for me please with the job interview thing. I really need to get something soon as each day that I work fast food I come closer and closer to stabbing my eyes out with a straw. Or the eyes of my coworkers. Just sayin.

Tuesday....

2010-06-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

I think the hardest thing for a parent to do, is to let their child make their own decisions.

It was not hard when they were little, if I didn't agree, I would just say No. This way or that way would be a better choice for you. But now....that they are all young adults, I have to sit back (and give a tiny bit of guidance) and let them choose and decide and be successful or not.

My daughter has chosen not to return to college this fall. She finished one full year and has decided that a college "degree" is just not something that she wants. She has decided to go a different route. She will be working full time until next spring when a vocational school starts a class that she really wants to take starts up again. This is something she REALLY wants to do. The class that she will take will then give her the knowledge and skills toward the career that she is aiming at. Which is terrific.

However, I worry. I fret. I wonder if this is the right choice for her. I do know that she thinks with her head and makes responsible choices (for the most part) with her life.
I guess it all boils down to I just want the absolute best for ALL my children. I want everything to turn out for them the way they want it.

I personally remember being 18 and knowing EVERYTHING. My parents knew nothing. I believe I was about oh, say, 25, when I realized umm, yeah, that is not quite true. :) So I try to remember being my kid's age and feeling that way...and I pretty much keep my mouth shut. My standard response is usually "Please, give this a lot of thought before making your final decision".

I look at my oldest son who is a college graduate and is working at a discount strore, unable to find a job in the field he studied and is sitting on $96,000 worth of school loans, (I know, that figure makes my stomach clench every.single.time I think about it) and I think that maybe she IS making the right choice. Something more focused on the career that she wants, something less costly by far and a shorter degree time.

I have to remember that they are old enough to make their own choices and sit back, support, love and watch them. As hard as that is, that's my job now. :)
********
Speaking of jobs, I had an interview last week for a job that I think I would really enjoy. It is back in the manicuring field and the pay and benefits are pretty good. The next step is to go in for a technical interview and then a final interview with the site manager. Hopefully they will call me and I can move further along in that process.
Otherwise I am continueing to apply for other positions, waiting for something to come along.

I am working on my photography business and have a family scheduled for a photo shoot in a couple of weeks that should be fun.
********
I have the day off today and should get my self in gear and get some cleaning and laundry done. It's rainy and dreary and I am feeling pretty darn lazy.

2010-05-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

It was like being with a long, lost girlfriend. We laughed and talked and talked some more. We talked about everything from politics to food. I cried when we talked about her Dad. I told her stories of some of the things I went through with him. She was so young, and didn't need to know what was going on at the time. Now she is old enough to know the full truth. As painful as it is. The talk about her dad was not hateful or filled with bitterness. It was just honesty and pain.
I cried. I released some of that guilt. I told her I tried to protect her and her brothers from his illness. I am crying now as I write this, thinking of how she patted my arm, told me that it was ok, that it wasn't my fault. That I was a strong woman to have to live with that for so long. I told her that I loved her dad for a long, long time and really tried to make my head love him, even after my heart stopped loving him. But finally, I just had to save myself. She was looking out the window of the car and said, I know.
She fights the big depression battle herself, now. Whether she inherited that from me or from her dad, it's something that I had hoped that would never happen to her or her brothers. But it did, and she is dealing with it.
She is a hardworking, hardloving, smart, brave, beautiful woman. and I am SO proud to be her Mother.
********
Bad shit has been happening to me left and right lately and I am just about at the end of the emotional rope.
I need a few drama and stress free days to set things straight. I sure hope that this weekend will do the trick.

May!

2010-05-19T06:59:00.000-07:00

I really should just take this blog down because so I rarely ever post on it. But, then again, sometimes I feel like writing and come here and sit in the shade and relax a bit.

This weekend I am taking my daughter on a little get away to a city not too far from here. We have very few actual "plans" other than sitting on the beach of the lake and possibly going to the zoo. I am hoping that it is a fun, relaxing trip. I miss her so much and just want to be with her a few days. She is moving soon to another town and is transferring colleges, so this will be a bit of a break for both of us.

My car has broken down and that has me in a frenzy of anxiety. It's the only thing that I own outright and it's depressing to know that it isn't going to last much longer. The repairs it needs are expensive, and I hate to shell out that money but then again, I don't really have the credit or money to buy anything else and I need a car. Sigh. I hate decisions.

I am still applying to job after job after job, in hopes of landing something worthwhile that might actually pay me a living wage. I am really tired of looking and am at that point where I don't think anything is ever going to come my way.

I think sometimes that maybe this is the Universe's way of telling me that I am destined for something else. To get my photography business going and making money. As this is what I REALLY want to do. Where my desire lies, where I KNOW I could make a go of it. I am creative and have the desire and ability. I just need that little guidance and push to make it work.

Off for now, to a meeting with my job councelor and then on the glamorous world of fast food.

Whining, Bitching, The Norm.

2010-04-07T19:32:00.001-07:00

Today has not been a good day for me.
I didn't get enough sleep last night and feel like I have been running since about 7 am.
Had a drs appt this morning for a check up and she is still not happy with my blood pressure. So she upped the dosage of the medicine. And of course told me to lose weight. The cure all to everything I am sure. (that was sarcasm)
Then they did some fasting blood work, and usually I am good with the needle stick in the arm thing but today it hurt like hell and left a lovely bruise.
Then I had to go to the place where I take classes and pretend that all is great! for! me! to the instructors. It is much easier to pretend than to tell them the truth and risk falling apart right there in the hallway for one and all to see. The "goal" now according to my job coach is to have a full time job by June 30. Wonderful goal, but we will see.
Then it was off to work. When you feel like dog shit it is NOT easy to be Miss Friendly Smiley I LOVE My Job order taker. People are stupid and mostly irritated the hell out of me. Really? Don't count out 52 pennies to make your purse lighter when we are F*CKING BUSY. It is NOT cute to let your four year old give the order in the drive through. I can't hear him and with you giggling at how cute he is in the background, I wanted to come out there and slap the shit out of YOU, Mother and then the kid, too.
I did talk to my daughter for a few minutes tonight and she boosted me up and told me that no matter what, no matter where I end up that she will always love me. I don't often talk to my kids about my problems, but sometimes a person needs that unconditional love and support. Or at least this person does.

2010-04-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

I had high hopes (ok, well, I had hopes, maybe not high, but hopes) that I would get a lot done today on my day off. On the days that I work, I always think of things I would rather be doing. Things that I will FOR SURE do when I have a day off.
So far today (and it's 11:15 am already!) I have drunk about half a pot of coffee and ate two pieces of toast with cheese on them. That? would be about it. I did catch up on my blogs on google reader and apply for a few jobs online, but all of that from the comfort of a chair in front of the tv. I suck. I know.
*******
The other night I went with the bf to a going away party for a coworker at a local bar. I ordered some kind of burger...that I am not sure if I really liked or not, not sure if it was fully cooked or not and really what the hell was in the thing...but that is not the point of this story.
The bf's boss came in after we did and she was dressed very nicely, professionally and was carrying a $300 designer purse.
While I am looking at this weird burger, she asked me where I worked.
Hmm.
Can I just say pass? and she moves on to someone else to question?
No. I had to answer. So I told her I worked at the fast food place and about the other part time job on weekends.
I couldn't help but feel a bit uncomfortable, sitting among a bunch of professional people, saying that I work fast food. Yuck. I don't like being embarrassed.
Sigh.
********
Off to find some motivation, I will look for it while I am doing laundry.
Hey.. it's something!

2010-03-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

Ever just feel so conflicted about so many things that you just want to give up thinking about it? Yeah, me, too.
*****
So yesterday I had the day off and did some driving and shopping at a funky little junk/antique/treasure store that I found a while ago. I just love everything they have in there and the way it is decorated. It gave me the itch to decorate and get all my stuff out of the boxes in the bf's garage and look at it. I love old things, the junkier the better. I love old peeling, painted furniture. I love old dishes and mismatched things. I have a big old farm table stored in the garage with 6 mismatched chairs that I LOVE.

Then I decided to treat myself to some flowers. I went into this little flower shop in our neighborhood, a place to get inexpensive flowers. It's kind of run down and sort of unprofessional, nothing like the big fancy flower stores. So I walk in and the guy behind the counter, rather scruffy..does NOT have a shirt on. Talk about uncomfortable. I felt like I had accidentally walked into his house or something! There were some other guys there carrying in and out boxes of cut flowers and pots of Easter lilies. All I really wanted was a small bouquet and as I was looking around all flustered the guy tells me to just "go into the cooler and pick one out". It was rather backroomish and then he said but mind the dog in there. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at him..I said umm, is it a mean dog? is he going to bite me?? He laughed and said no I was just teasing you, he is a good dog. So I wander my way back to the cooler, watch the dog out of the corner of my eye and grab a bouquet and pay as quickly as I can. I did notice that he was putting on his shirt as I was leaving. Eeek.. cheap flowers, but weird atmosphere!

The weather here has been wonderful this week. Near 80* today! It seems so odd that winter just disappeared so quickly and spring is upon us. It sure is nice not to have to wear two layers of clothes to stay warm.

Easter is this weekend. My kids are doing something with their dad on Sunday, and they all were working different schedules on Saturday, sooooo..that means that I don't get to see them this weekend. The bf and I might go and visit them in a couple of weeks, though. I am rather disappointed that I don't get to spend Easter with my family, but that's the breaks when your kids grow up, I guess.

I have the weekend off, so that is really nice. I can't wait!

Tuesday....

2010-03-23T06:58:00.001-07:00

Thought I would write down a few thoughts since I have a day off today.
I am working two part time jobs right now, which equal out to a little more than 40 hours a week. The down side to that is that I work every day, including weekends. Today is my first day off in 7 days and I won't see another one til next Tuesday when I think I have another one off. I don't mind working either job, I just wish I had ONE job that paid well enough. Yanno? It has been said that I "only" work part time, but in my opinion (which on THIS blog counts the most!) at age (almost)45 working two part time jobs that equal more than 40 hours, standing on my feet the ENTIRE time at both jobs, is pretty f*cking hard.
On my day off today I am going to clean the bf's brother's house, so really? that's not a day off, but whatever.
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with so much stuff to do, so many things I want to do and not enough energy and time to get it all done. Oh well, I am sure that is how everyone feels, I am not feeling special or anything. :)
*****
Spring is slowly but surely coming here and things are sprouting up and budding out. Looking forward to spending some time outside.
I am still on track with the 365 project and can't wait to be able to take some pictures of flowers and outside stuff.
*****
Spring has notoriously been a time of depression for me. Why? I would not be able to explain it to you. It just seems that each spring I suffer a bout of depression. The worst times I have had for depression have been in the spring. This year I am feeling super hopeful that it won't happen. Last year wasn't too bad, so maybe this year will be even better. I "think" it has to do with when I was living a life that I was not happy in/with, that spring represented a renewal of sorts and I was unable to renew or move ahead or move beyond my problems. I felt stunted and resentful. Since I am not in that situation anymore, hopefully it will be different this spring.
*****
I finally filed for my divorce last week. It has been many years in the making and we have been physically seperated for nearly 4 years. Emotionally it started many years before that. So what was the hold up you ask? Well first and foremost was money. It is expensive to file for divorce and I just didn't have the money. Second we were waiting for our youngest to turn 18, so that we wouldn't have to do the whole court, child support, custody thing. This way I was able to print the forms off online, fill them out and have them notarized and take them to the court house. And then wait for the judge to look it over and sign it. It is supposed to take about a month, so we will see.
Do I feel bad about getting divorced? Well that question has many, many answers. On one hand:
Yes, I do as I was taught that divorce was wrong.
Yes, I do as I made a promise a long time ago to make this work.
Yes, I do as it is an end to a "family" unit.
Yes, I do as it makes me feel like a quitter and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming.

On the other hand:
No, I do not because I gave many, many years (over 20) to a relationship that was never going to make ME happy. It was an unhealthy, verbally abusive relationship that damaged me.
No, because I am much healthier and happier out of that relationship.
No, because I think (?) it shows my children, especially my daughter, that a person does NOT have to endure abuse and unhappiness to be able to survive in this world. Yes, none of my children are happy about the divorce, but I do think that they love both of their parents and know that this is the best outcome.
anyway.. those are just some of my thoughts on that subject.

*****
I am so thankful for so many things in my life right now.
A bf that is kind and loving and "knows" me and loves me anyway.
Healthy children.
Two part time jobs and the income that they provide.
Spring and sunshine.
Dreams, hopes and visions.

Hello

2010-03-08T19:33:00.001-08:00

Wow! it's been a while since I posted. Thanks to a reader for giving me a nudge to get my fingers typing again.
Some of the things going through my mind tonight:
A couple of weeks ago, I had a minor melt down (nothing new) about how I was angry at life. As I was growing up, I was basically taught/told that if you obeyed the law, worked hard, were nice to animals and old people that really? your life would be ok. Funny, that it only took me 44.8 years to figure out that that is not really true. Naive? yeah, I guess that is what one would call me. Or maybe just plain stupid, I don't know.
I mean in the grand scheme of things my life is ok. I am for the most part healthy. I am lucky enough to have a man that loves me. My kids are doing well. So what's the problem?
I doubt that it is anything that one could actually "see". It is more something that I feel or don't feel actually.
It is too late in the day to really dig too deep in that cess pool, so I guess I won't.
Still working the fast food and it gets more irritating by the day.
Spring is coming and I cannot WAIT.
I need to go on a trip. Not sure when or where, but a trip is definitely needed.
Still on track with my 365 project. Some days when i am behind I upload several pictures, which to some may sound like cheating, but since it is MY project, I don't have a problem with it.

Tuesday......

2010-02-02T20:06:00.000-08:00

I gotta tell ya this last 7 days have been pretty much miserable for me. Fighting the big "D" and feeling like dog doodoo. Seems just when I have scraped myself up out of the deep, dark hole, something else will happen to send me spiraling down again.
Today I have been rather, how shall we say this...~~manic~~ busy. Not busy good, but must stay busy to keep from falling completely apart busy. I worked for 3 hours taking money in the drive thru and then came home and did 4 loads of laundry, vaccuumed, dusted, did dishes, cooked dinner, got a haircut, etc...
In my head I KNOW that if I don't stay busy, then I have too much time on my hands to think. Thinking thoughts that hurt for the most part so it is just best if I stay up and busy. Am I in denial that these feelings are there?? Oh hell no. They are there and eating at me 24/7, I am just choosing to ignore them for a few days, because I am sick and tired of thinking. and worrying and hurting. Tired of hurting myself inside and hurting those around me.

I haven't been this close to giving up in a long time. By giving up I mean, giving up hope that things will ever turn around for me. That this pain can go away and I can be happy. I can have a good relationship with the bf and not be hurting him all the time and hurting our relationship constantly.
That at some point I can stand on my own two feet again and feel like an equal to him.
I keep telling myself to not give up, that there is ALWAYS hope, always a new tomorrow, but right now things are feeling and looking pretty poorly through my eyes.

My daughter started a blog and she has been posting 6 things each day that she is thankful for each day.
I was so surprised that today one of the things that she said she was thankful for was me.
That does give me hope that I haven't completely and totally fucked up the past 44 years. I DID do three things right. A daughter and two sons.

Oh yeah, and screw that little ground hog. I NEED spring!

2010-01-31T17:00:00.001-08:00

My heart hurts. So much.
I wish it would either stop hurting
or
break completely so the pain would stop.
I just want it to stop.

Is it ONLY Wednesday???

2010-01-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

Gah. Ok where to start.
Still working the fast food job, continuing to look for something that pays more. I find it exhausting to work with only spanish speaking people who will not for the life of them speak English (and YES, they can speak some English) so that I can understand any conversations. I find it really pretty damn rude to have five workers there, four of whom speak spanish and one (me) who does not and I am left out of every conversation. And yes, I could learn some spanish to try to understand whatever it is that they constantly are yabbering about. I could and I might. I really, really, really want to say more on this topic but fear being labeled a racist pig, so I will shut up. Right. Now.
Had a mighty fine laugh out loud moment while reading facebook status' tonight. The former BFF, that some of you might remember, actually had it on her status how there are so many positives in the world, why do some people focus on the negative? And how you should just rid the negatives out of your life.
Well la ti fucking da. Someone has done a complete 360 in the last year's time. Miss miserable negativity must have changed her entire life, cuz she is sure singing a new tune. Good luck to her.
The ex seems to get a little more mentally ill all the time and I wonder what will become of that situation. Worries me, but not a whole lot I am willing to do about helping, I did my share. Over 20 years of helping him and suffering with him. Sounds cruel, but it is someone else's turn.
Feeling rather anxious the last few days, feeling my own bouts of mild paranoia and wondering what the future holds for me. I like to have a "plan". At least kind of, sort of, maybe know what the hell is gonna happen down the road a little way. It makes me anxious to always live by the seat of my pants not knowing what will happen next and what is stable and what is not.
A little clearer picture would be nice. So. Trying to figure that one out.
I am several days behind on my 365 project. I just have not had the time to shoot too many pictures, the weather has been miserable and I have not felt too creative. Maybe I will take some inside the house tonight to get caught up.
Someone I know started a weightloss program and lost 40 pounds. She posted the name of the program/products and I am really thinking hard about checking it out. I am sure it is probably expensive, but maybe worth it. She swears that it really works, that it IS hard work, but is possible. I know, I know, eating right and exercise are the right way to go about losing weight. I DO know that. I just wonder if this program/product could help out a little. Put that on the something to think more about list.

Never Say Never..........

2010-01-21T17:30:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time I said I would never work in a restaurant again. This was said about 9 years ago when the restaurant I co-owned with the ex closed. I was completely worn down and worn out.
And here I am, working in a restaurant again. Ha. Never say never.

I could type out a LOT of other things I said or thought I would never do, but ended up doing. None of which need airing right now, but let's just say I use the word never cautiously now a days.

I am feeling rather moody, which is most likely due to pms. Or maybe it is just me, I dunno.

The bf was joking around last night mimmicking me complaining. I have heard in the past from the ex that "I complained too much"....so when the bf sort of/kind of mentioned it via joking around... that got me to thinking about how much time do I spend complaining? While I do find it interesting that both of the relationship partners I have had in the last 25 years have said something to the effect that I complain a lot, I wonder if that is because these are both people (at seperate times) that I trusted completely and felt comfortable enough with to tell my feelings (ie: sometimes complaints) to. Or is it something that is rather stereotypical that all men think women complain too much? Or am I a chronic complainer? Gah. I am trying to watch myself and see if I am a chronic complainer. We'll see I guess.

I almost just typed "I am so tired!" but..heh, that would be complaining right? WTF. I am tired. I am me and this is what you get.

Thursday

2010-01-14T07:00:00.001-08:00

So I have been working for 3 days now, today will be 4. The second day I worked 10 hours and believe me my feet and legs were KILLING me when I was done. After being off work so long and not used to being on my feet for that many hours at a time anymore nearly did me in!
Otherwise, it's not a bad job. We are busy, busy, busy the entire time I am there, so that is nice. The people who work there seem to be nice so far, so I couldn't ask for much more. (except for maybe more money! ha) Several of the workers are non English speaking, so that is kind of a challenge, but also comical sometimes. We sometimes look at each other and wonder what the heck the other is saying!

I got an email from my sister the other morning, the day I started my job. This is what it said:

I think it is very courageous of you to take the (fast food) job. I know it is not something you want to do. But, you never know, something wonderful may turn out of it. You've shown such strength these past few years and I am so proud of you!!!

Love you.

It was so nice to read that.
*********
I have been working on a 365 photo project and have fallen behind a couple of days. I need to get caught back up! I would like to make some kind of a book out of the the project when it is all said and done..I think that would be really cool to have a daily remembrance of a year of my life.

Attention! Attention!!

2010-01-09T18:16:00.000-08:00

It appears that yes, yours truly, has landed a JOB!! It is fast food and not quite full time hours, not much money, but you know what?? I am excited! A schedule! A paycheck! People to talk to!
I feel that this is the FIRST STEP in taking back my life!
That sound you heard?? Was me breathing a sigh of relief.

Friday...

2010-01-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a wild day. I drove 90 miles to the town where two of my kids live to help my daughter with her financial aid for college. She is transferring blah, blah, had to redo all the paperwork= a huge headache.
The worst part was that we were having a winter storm and the driving was HORRID. It took me 3 hours to drive 90 miles and 3 hours back in the afternoon! I was a nervous wreck the ENTIRE time. It was super cold, too, with the windchill. Really was not a smart thing to do driving down there, but after having a lousy week I just felt that I could NOT stand to stay in the house one more day. It was good to see two of the kids. They are both doing so well and it really makes me proud that they are self sufficient and enjoying their young lives.
Went to a celebration last night for the school that I attend. For the most part it was really boring, but it was a free dinner and was probably really good for me to get out among people and socialize. I did get to see two of the people that I really like that I have met there. They have both gone on to find permanent, full time jobs and are doing well.
It bothered me somewhat to listen to all the other students talking about how! great! they! feel! and how they have such high hopes for finding a job, etc...and I do hope that they find what they are looking for.
I just wish I felt like them.
********
I really miss having a best girl friend. Even though the one that I had lived several states away from me, she was someone to talk to every day and share things with. Someone to share in my joys and sorrows. And I could share in hers! Someone who "knew" me and "liked" me (well I thought she did, but that is not what I am writing about today). The bf has his brother that he likes to hang out with and joke around with. They include me a lot, but I do feel like the 3rd wheel sometimes and I know they would like to spend time alone together, doing whatever it is men do and talking about whatever they talk about when I am not around.
It would be nice for me to have someone to call or visit or do something with once in a while.
I do know that friends are not going to just come knocking on my door looking to make friends with me. I know what I need to do to make friends. I need to reach out, get out and work at it.
Right now that seems like quite a stretch for me. Not sure if I am up to it.

I need to find something to do this weekend.

Wednesday

2010-01-06T16:59:00.000-08:00

At first when I couldn't find a job, I was told and I thought, damn it's this economy. There are so many people out of work. I was told it wasn't "me" per se, it was the fact that their were so many people looking and very few opportunities.
I believed that for a while. I told people that for a while. When people would say to me "you are not working yet?" "you haven't found anything yet?" I would say yeah, I know..it's terrible! it's the economy!
Now after a year??? Of not even being able to find a job even at a fast food place, discount store or gas station?? Seriously. It's embarrassing and humiliating and shameful. I feel like a big, fat loser.
As I type this I know in my own mind that this is my inner critic talking. I know this as the inner defender is saying umm.. are you nuts? Look around you there are tons of people out of work!
However, I continue to beat myself up, thinking I am not doing enough, that I am too old, don't have enough education or smarts to work anywhere anymore.
I have no confidence anymore. It's gone and it is an ugly situation to be in. I keep applying and maybe with some luck (ha!) something will happen.
I am just tired of not having a schedule or a real reason to leave the house. I am tired of being looked down upon (whether real or imagined) and tired of feeling like a loser.
I had some hopes and dreams but in the last couple of months, I let them slip out of hands like water or sand. That's how it feels.
It's hard to open up about the way I really feel to those closest to me(bf, kids, sister), because A. there is nothing they can do to help me and B. they are just as sick of it as me.
No one would say that of course, but it comes out in little snarky comments here and there(real or imagined), that my highly tuned paranoid depressed self picks up on easily.
I do really want to get out of this funk. I miss having fun and being fun. I miss feeling worth it. I miss having the desire to do something. Anything.

2010-01-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

It's a horrid way to look at it but as I sit here at the computer I think, another day wasted. Yes, I was alive and breathing, but frankly that's about it.
Maybe I just have cabin fever, I don't know. It's so g.d. cold out that it feels nearly impossible to go anywhere. And where would I go anyway? I would like to walk, but the ice on the sidewalks that people didn't clean off and some are still covered ankle deep in snow are treacherous. So blah.
While putting air in my car tire the other night I frost bit a portion of my hand. My own fault for not paying better attention and wearing gloves, but it scared me enough to never do it again. The cold is a dangerous thing. A painful thing for sure.
The bf and I have already had a fight this new year. Over trivial, stupid things that turned into a big fight, the kind where we both were thinking, fuck this.. it's over. However, we made amends and are continuing forward. If love were all it took to keep a relationship together, we would never part. There are things, though, that cause problems beyond the love that threaten the happiness.
My mental state probably is number one on that list. I can barely stand myself 99% of the time so he does deserve a medal for putting up with me.
Sitting here, I just thought, geez, think of one positive thing to say. One bright spot, one thing that makes you smile. Just write one. Hmm. Sad that it has to be so tough to come up with one.
I guess the thought that Spring will come at some point and there will be flowers again and warmth again would be the one thing that I am looking forward to.

Gee, What else is new?

2009-12-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

That will be your thought when you finish reading this post.

I am angry, disappointed, depressed, tired.

I have been unemployed for a year now. I am angry about that. I want a job. I want to get out of the house and work. I want to have something to fill my time and chase the bad thoughts away. I want to be a contributing member of not only this household, but of the world in general.

I never, ever, ever dreamed that I would not have a job by now. I never, ever, ever dreamed that I wouldn't be back out on my own again, in my own apartment by now.

It sucks big, fat, hairy donkey balls. and smells like them, too.

At this point, I will take most anything. Anything that would get me moving forward again and not feel so stagnant.

Off to apply for some more jobs.

Me? I won??

2009-12-18T06:26:00.000-08:00

Guess what?? I won a contest on a blog!! I don't normally enter too many contests, just one every once in a while and how lucky I won this one!! I can't wait to get my ornament and I have a special person all picked out to give it to :) I love reading Samara's blog . She has the most adorable children, does a great job of mothering in a blended family and seems so down to earth and is a good writer. For most of the blogs I read, I am a lurker, reading and not commenting. I used to be so much better at commenting and I think in the new year to come I will add that to my list of things to do: Comment more.

My final class of this session is this morning, so I guess I better get in gear here and get moving.

2009-12-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

Just got off the phone with my sister. First, I will say that I love her. Very much. 79.9% of the time she is a fun person and we laugh a lot. The rest of the time??? UGH. She just started a new job a few weeks ago and HATES it. She jumped into it without a lot of thought about what she would like and would not like about the job and well, now, she is regretting it.

Since I started this post this morning she has called two more times. Once to tell me that she thinks she is "crazy" and has been crying for an hour and a half. I asked what is it that you are crying about??? She doesn't know and said she would talk to me another time. Sigh. I KNOW how depression works. She knows how it works, too, and she gives me advice on it all the time.

*I* am not the person to help someone who is depressed. I feel bad about that, and I am sorry that I cannot be of more help to her, but I just can't. I struggle enough trying to keep my own head above the water to help someone else.

Right now, I am trying my very hardest to get through this holiday season. I don't particularly care for this season, at least not like I used to. I don't care for shopping, I hate the commercialism and I absolutely hate the idea that it people think they are required to buy bigger and better and more gifts every single year. The over abundance and greed and entitlement attitude make me wanna puke. Yeah..I am just a bit of cheer and Christmas sunshine eh??

One thing I do still enjoy about the holidays is baking. I am off right now to make some cookies.

2:28am

2009-11-26T00:27:00.000-08:00

What am I doing up?? Ugh. Couldn't sleep and thought I would wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.
I need to get up in a few hours and make a couple of pies so I really should go try to sleep.
Too may thoughts whirling thru my head I guess.

What?

2009-11-12T06:59:00.000-08:00

I figured if my buddy, innocent, can post every day for while, I might as well give it a shot, too. I make no promises, though.

Lest anyone think that I sit around wallowing in my depressive, empty nest, pity pot... I must set that record straight. As hard as it is to get myself going, shower, dress and act the part of a "normal" breathing human being, I do it each and every day.

I take classes 3 mornings a week and spend time each day doing homework for those classes. The classes I am taking this session are Computer 4, Critical Thinking, and Speech Craft. None of them are that enjoyable, actually all are pretty icky, but they do fill my time and stretch the cob webs of my mind a bit.

I also spend several hours each day job searching on line. Reading, applying and sending out my information.

I clean, do laundry, talk to my sister on the phone at least once and harvest my crops on farmtown. :)

I am also working on a flyer to send out to people about my photography business. I read lots of websites geared toward photography and try to learn as much about it as I can.

Then I also take pictures. Yesterday, I went to a small body of water near here. Not sure if it is a little lake? or what, but whatever it is, it is a pretty little spot. Calm and peaceful and picturesque and almost country like in the middle of this metropolis. I walked around it and snapped pictures of the beautiful (and noisy) mallard ducks and cat tails. As I stood and gazed, my mind full of thoughts, an older gentleman and his dog walked up to me. The man and I chatted about the ducks, and other basic topics before he and his dog (named Kelly, who was a retired service dog, I learned) moved along down the path around the lake.

I soon sat down on a bench at the edge of the water and changed my camera lens and just watched the ducks and listened to them 'talk' to each other. A tween aged boy and his father rode up on bikes and stopped near me. The boy had some bread in a plastic bag and said that he was going to feed the ducks. Maybe he could make them come close to me so that I could get some good pictures? Yes, that would be nice, I told him. Many pictures were taken and the ducks bellies were full.

The boy and his dad and I discussed cameras, their love of photography and mine. It was nice and they rode away and I walked back to my car.

In that hour's time I relaxed a bit and enjoyed nature. I also stepped out of my comfort zone a tad bit, by talking to strangers. With depression and anxiety comes fear for me. Talking to strangers makes me feel anxious and scared. I know this is directly related to the depression and anxiety because I never had that feeling before. So. That's that.

Just gonna ramble....

2009-11-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

Things are much the same for me.

Yesterday, I got a whopping 8 rejection emails for jobs that I have applied for. I am slowly weeding out places that seem to always be advertising that they are hiring, but never seem to hire. It's depressing to open my email inbox and see all the "we thank you for your interest..blah, blah, fucking blah" all the same, just a different place.

Once upon a time, I said that I would NEVER wait tables again. This was after closing the cafe that the ex and I owned. Ha, when I said never, it never dawned on me that yes, darling, at some point you will be applying to wait tables again. At this point, I will do pretty much anything to start moving fucking forward again. Today, I have applied at three eating joints and to be a housekeeper at a hotel. I don't even really care anymore, that's the sad part. Just find SOMETHING, anything to fill my days and pay me enough money to live on.

One thing that is funny, weird funny, not haha funny, is that things go through my head that if someone else said them? I would either laugh or think what a pathetic person. For example, it goes through my head that this is probably some kind of punishment from the powers that be...for all the things I have done wrong in the past say, oh, 10 years or so. For every time I have hurt someone and for every time I wasted money on some frivolous magazine or reese's peanut butter cup. It's like the universe is saying see? you stupid broad, this is what you get. See? you should have known better. So there.

I have been living with the bf since February. So that's around 9 months. Never did I dream I wouldn't have a job by now. Or an apartment of my own. Or groceries that I bought to eat. I feel like a real schlep and a mega moocher. Yes, I do housework, laundry and kid care but it doesn't seem to be enough to me. I don't feel like it equals out. I don't like that feeling. at all. I don't like feeling guilty for eating food and I don't like thinking about what others are probably thinking of me. Schlep. Moocher. Lazy.

The "empty nest" syndrome has hit me hard. I knew that when my kids left home and were out on their own that it would be different. I knew that it would be hard. I knew that everyone goes through it. What I didn't know was how hard it was actually going to be! Jeebus. Trying to set up a time to get together with all the kids for Thanksgiving.

I do know that IF I was working, I would not have so much time on my hands and mind and that a lot of things that worry me and bother me daily would be blocked out by busy-ness.

Update, finally.

2009-10-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am still here. It's been a long time since I updated.
I just got back in town yesterday from a 4 day trip with the bf and his daughters.
His family always rents cabins "up north" in the fall for a family get together.
The weather was beautiful, even if quite chilly and the trees. OH the trees. So beautiful and colorful.
I just could not get over how pretty everything was and how quiet and peaceful the woods can be.
Sitting by the lake in the morning with a cup of coffee and soaking in the cool morning air was great.
On our way back we stopped at the south shore of Lake Superior. I have never seen such a large body of water! We walked along the beach and picked up rocks, wrote in the sand and I even stripped off my shoes and socks and walked in the water and yeeeouch! was that ever cold.

Then it was back home to reality.

I have been cough, accused, cough of being overly dramatic about things. And yes, that is probably true in some instances. However, things for me personally have not gotten much better.

I am still without a job and still looking.

My unemployment insurance will run out in approximately a month.

My health insurance got messed up somehow, and was cancelled at the end of last month. That is going to take a lot of paperwork to get going again. Plus, I will have to cancel an appt to have a med check done because if I go I will have to pay for it and that just isn't possible. So I am just hoping that I stay healthy until I get that going again.

My daughter is having health issues, that I am hoping are minor, but won't know for sure until I can get her in to the dr. Her health insurance was also cancelled due to some kind of shenanigan that her dad pulled and I don't know where the money is going to come for that, but her health is more important then money, so I guess they will just have to bill me for it.

My car crapped out last week. I had been saving up for a couple of weeks to get some new tires on the front, but now it isn't running. It over heated and I am not sure if one of the hoses busted or what, but it's down for the count until I can figure out the problem and get it worked on.

The kid's dad may lose his driver's license due to the medication he takes, it makes him not an attentive driver. While I do believe it would be better IF he didn't drive for the safety of everyone, it also causes issues of mobility for him. My oldest son is still living with him while looking for work since he graduated from college and I don't want him to feel like he "has" to stay with his dad to care for him and drive him around. His driving isn't really my problem, but when it affects my children then it becomes my problem.

So. That's that.

Stress. I am back on a good old antidepressant and some blood pressure medicine.

I have been working on a photography website. Taking pictures all over the place and hopefully will get a few freelance jobs taking photos for people. Check it out if you would like. :)

www.prairiedreamerphotography.webs.com

2009-09-16T08:48:00.001-07:00

I went on a road trip with my oldest son. He has a job interview in another state and so I went along.
We had so much fun laughing and talking. It was about 725 miles round trip and I crossed the Mississippi river 6 times in one day.
I really hope he gets the job. However, if he doesn't, there will be another one, but this one seems to be a great fit for him.
We stopped on the way back and saw my daughter at college. She seems to be settling in well and I am so proud of the fact that she has started immersing herself in college life. She has joined intermural volleyball and some other campus groups. Seems she is making some new friends. I know how hard that is to do and I am so glad she is doing it :)
That's all for now.

Angry. Rant.

2009-09-10T14:26:00.001-07:00

I feel very, very stuck.
I am "in" with the "normal" "smart" people who know how things work. They know all the interviewing techniques, all the "right" way to apply for jobs, the right things to say, the right way to smile, the right way to dress. I have the best damn resume that you have ever seen. Well, it is presented nicely anyway. I didn't go to Harvard or anything. I know how to write the "right" cover letter, I have my fucking references all lined up neatly to the left.
I have taken so many, many classes in the last 9 months that I know how this all works. I should be gainfully employed. But, no. I sit here angry and angrier as one day rolls into the next. Nothing accomplished except online job applications for jobs that I really don't want anyway.. but fuck. That is what I am "supposed" to do. Apply for jobs that suck, that I don't want. Then get a job that I don't want because that is what "everyone" does. One must work to make that money. I get that. I haven't lost all my marbles, yet. I am still hanging on to a couple of those cat's eyes and aggies.
What I am the most angry about is this. I don't WANT a job that sucks. I want to do something that I enjoy!
And here is where the anger and frustration and self centeredness come in.
Dammit. I want to do something I like, something that I enjoy, something that I don't have to will myself to get up in the morning to do and hate every second that I am doing it.
Why is that not going to be possible for me?? HMMM?? Well, because I don't have the resources to start a business of my own, or the money to live on while I go back to school to get a certificate or degree or whatever. Yes, President Obama wants all the Moms to go back to school! YAY! Wouldn't that be wonderful if we all could?? But, fuck, somehow one has to live while attending school and that takes money.
I have NO credit, so that isn't an option.
So yes, I am fucked and I am angry. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to do something once for ME and feel good about it.
However, that ain't gonna happen sista.
No, no it won't.
and that makes me so angry that I could explode.

2009-09-04T06:04:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that summer is coming to an end already.
We have had THE most beautiful weather lately. 70's during the day and 4o's at night. I could handle this year 'round!

I am excited as this afternoon the bf and I are going to the State fair. It should be a lot of fun. I love looking at all the animals and people watching and of course, eating some sort of crappy not good for me food. Namely, cotton candy! Mmmmm. I have loved it since I was a kid!

Tomorrow I go with my daughter and get her set up in her dorm. College for her starts Tuesday! She is all kinds of excited and I am so excited for her! It's a three hour drive from the city I live in, which sounds close, but still seems far away when it's my baby going there :)

The oldest has been living with his dad for the last couple of months since he finished college and is looking for a job. It is NOT an ideal situation and I hope that he can find a job and his own place soon. It's not that his dad treats him bad or anything, far from it, but his dad IS mentally ill and believe me, it is not fun living with that. I don't want him to get "stuck" living there and feel that he can't leave. He has some job interviews coming up next week, so, finger's crossed that he gets a job and soon!

I haven't spoken to the kid's dad in quite some time. The last time we spoke he pulled some of his shenanigans and I decided that that was it. At this point in time, I cannot be friends with him. It is best to just have no contact, for my own mental health. I am so far past letting him treat me like shit anymore. Just not gonna take it. I think he has finally got the message as he has not tried to contact me and that is great to me. It's not necessarily the way I wanted it to work. I would have rather had it be more cordial, but as my sister says "You cannot be married and divorced at the same time." It's time to move on from all that.

I am still plodding along looking for a job.

Been working on my photography and really enjoying that. Also, setting up a photo blog for that and will link it here when I get it all together.

It's a long weekend and that suits me just fine. I have a computer class this morning and then off to the fair!!!

Well fug....

2009-09-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

Here I sit.
thinking, thinking.

I am so tired of everything in my life depending on money. Ha. I am sure some of you are laughing at that. That's ok. You are probably thinking... duh... everyone's life depends on money.
And yes, to some extent it does.
I do know that some of the happiest times of my life, were when I didn't have much money. I have lived all my life on the poorer side. Never have I had money to just "blow" or have money to spend that I didn't constantly worry that if/when I spent it that I wouldn't need it next week.

I don't have a problem living frugally. Not at all. Actually, in the past months I have been reading a lot of blogs and news pieces on living more frugally. Living simply.

Wasting money rubs me the wrong way. Frivolous spending makes my stomach churn. I believe it is all in the way I was raised. My parents were farmers and yes, they owned land and tractors and animals and had some money in the bank. But, we kids didn't know that. We were not privy to any information about our parent's finances. There was NO frivolous spending. None. My mom butchered and gardened and canned and mended clothes and we made do with very little outside "bought" things. I can count on one hand the number of times we ate out at a restaurant when I was a child. No joke.

As I survey what I actually own, at 44 years of age, it rather frightens me. I own my jeep (very old, but runs), I own a dining room table and chairs, a book case, my computer, a camera, and about 20 boxes of sentimental stuff and misc art and kitchen supplies packed in the bf's garage. Clothes and shoes. That. is. it. I wouldn't make 500 bucks if I sold it all today at a garage sale.
So anyway. I already do live frugally. Live simply.

I am sure there are lots more ways that I could cut back. I find it interesting to read about it. At least it gives me something to do, besides applying for jobs. Which, btw, I am sick and tired of doing. But, oh well.

I would really like to just go back to self employment. But, without credit and start up capitol that is pretty much out of the question.

High on my list of wishes is finding a place to live. Currently I stay with the bf, but I really need to get my own place. I really wish I could find a place before winter and the holidays. But again. No credit, no money, no job.

I am sure at some point this will all fall into place. It will, right? I keep telling myself that, because that is about all I have left. Hope. And that is stretched pretty fucking thin at the moment.

2009-08-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

The bf has been on a trip for the last couple of days.
My daughter came up and stayed with me for most of 3 days and 2 nights.
She is such a wonderful young woman and we had such a good time hanging out and just being together.
We went shopping for all of her college "stuff" and I believe that now one of our local discount stores can stay open one more day because of our spending :)
We also hit some yard sales and some thrift stores and got every thing that was on her list.
This is SUCH an exciting time for her. She is really excited to get to college. I am so, so happy that she has this opportunity. That she is doing what every young person should do. Spread their wings and enjoy their youth.
My boys also did this same thing, but for some reason, this is different. Maybe because we are both girls? I dunno..but I am so happy and proud of her.
Next weekend, we will move her into her dorm and get her settled a little bit.

Tonight I am alone and piddling around the house. Organizing some of my art stuff and other belongings.

I have had a lot of time to think now that I am unemployed again. What to do? Where is my life heading? I haven't come up with a good answer yet.

Pain

2009-08-22T21:39:00.000-07:00

I have not known anyone close or personal who has committed suicide, but I know of people who have. I remember thinking... How sad that that person didn't reach out to someone. How sad that the person felt that there was no one, not one single solitary person who could help them.

When a person is that depressed, that anxious, that mentally unstable...telling someone the things that are going on in your head is super scary. You must trust that person. Must trust that they will not think you are some kind of wack job...some kind of freakish monster.

So. It isn't easy spilling those kind of thoughts to just anyone.

Then there is the whole "omg I don't want to burden" someone thinking.
All sorts of things go through one's mind when one is in that state. Maybe they won't believe me? Maybe they will be scared of me? Maybe they will no longer love me because I am "crazy"?
The questions, doubts and concerns really become too much. Too much to think about in an already filled up head.

How do I know these things you might ask? Well. Because I have lived them. Am living them to some degree.

I have always been lucky enough to never step that far into hopelessness. Close.. so very, very close but never crossed that line. I have always sworn to myself that I would never, ever hurt myself because in doing so it would hurt my children tremendously. That thought alone, those children, have kept me going for a long time.

At this moment I am pretty fucking down on life. Down on myself. I could go into some of the things that go through my head, but really? Do you want to hear how I feel like a walking, talking, overweight crazy piece of dog shit? I doubt it. Not too many people would. Well, I suppose someone I paid, like a therapist would be very glad.

I need to find several things. I need to find a way to get rid of the pain that is inside me. I am so sick of it. Sick of constantly having something clawing at my insides trying to get out. I need to find some sort of direction in my life. Something to plan and dream for. Something to look forward to, a goal to achieve. I need to find a friend. I need to feel settled again.

But first, I suppose, I need to sleep and stop my thoughts.

Because shit happens. To me. All. the. time.

2009-08-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

So. Yesterday evening I got a call from the temp agency that I was working through. They told me that my services were no longer required at the company I was working at.
Well.
That was a shock to say the least.
Couldn't even go get my stuff, the temp company did it for me.
One of the other temps that I was working with, that I have become friends with, also got the boot.
It is still somewhat of a mystery as to why they got rid of us, but the fact of the matter is... tada! again I am unemployed.
Bite. Me.
I have run the gammet of emotions so far. Shock, crying, anger.
So. Yeah. I have attempted to reinstate my unemployment. I am sure hoping that I can get that again.

I really, really don't want to go back to looking for a job. Really. That sucks. I really, really don't want to go back to living with no money again. Really? that sucks, too.

I was just getting to the point where I had a bit of spending money, bills pretty much caught up, was even thinking of looking for my own place, had a pipe dream out there that I might even next year at some point be able to afford a different vehicle. Give the kids some money when they needed it. Help my daughter with the stuff she needs to take to college. That's all down the tubes now.

I know. I know. Things will get better. There has to be some door that will open because this one shut. Always a rainbow after a storm. Right.

Right now though? I am just pissed. Angry. Disgruntled.

Tired.

thoughts...

2009-08-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

I find it frightening, sad, odd and strangly exhilarating to come to the realization that at this point in my life, I can really? do anything. With my kids now all out of the house and well on their way to making their own lives, I have to figure out a new way to live. Obviously, I am still going to be highly involved in their lives, but it is different now.
I am now afforded a freedom that I have not had for nearly 23 years! When I think about what I want to do, where I want to go, where my path is leading me...I can truly think about what *I* want and not have the first thought out of my mind be.. "but the children"..or.."after the kids..." or "the kids need.." or "it's best for the kids"....
Shit. Now it is what's best for me?? That is an over powering thought. An exciting thought. A scary thought.
It is the natural progression of things I guess. I just didn't realize that it was actually going to happen. Or that the thought process that goes with it was going to materialize.
I am suprised.

2009-08-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

Still around. Still breathing, still muddling through most days.
Gonna try to get an appointment with a doctor to talk about some piddly little medical issues and see what they think about the depression and/or anxiety. If they think meds would still help or what. I need a new prescription if they do.

Work is going fairly well. There is no other way to say it other than it is just boring as hell and by 4 pm my brain is fried staring at the computer screen and numbers all damn day. BUT it is so much better than being unemployed. I must not complain.

Today in the mail I received a big envelope and inside it were all the cards that I had given to my ex over the years. I think this was designed to make me nostalgic and guilty for leaving him. I am sure he wants me to call and boo hoo ask why boo hoo he did such a thing. But. I am not. No recognition on my part. Fuck it. I took care of him for over 20 years. I am not in love with him, nor have I been for many, many years.
I have tried to be as civil and nice as possible. I continued being friendly for the sake of the kids. I would like to have a friendly relationship so that when there are manditory gatherings that will include us both that we can at least be comfortable in the same room. But he better just back the hell off.
Guilt no longer works...I will just discuss with the kids what I need to discuss and only speak to him in emergencies.
I have about a fourth saved up of what I need for the divorce filing. I am just going to devote all my extra money to that I guess until I get it saved.

Other shit is always brewing on the back burner and eating at me. I try not to let it..but it's very hard. The bf and I discussed the fact that I always expect the worst. What an ugly thing. I don't want to be that way.
I guess it is a defense mechanism, to keep from getting hurt. Never expecting the good to happen, always planning on the worst.
It's also a part of depression in my opinion. I want to change that..so that is something I am going to work on. Looking for the best. Not the worst in situations.

This post feels pretty disjointed to me and I am sure it reads that way, too. It's mostly the way my thoughts are right now though. Sporatic, incomplete and confused.

2009-08-04T07:46:00.001-07:00

I hesitate to write too much here about what is really going on in my head because:
a. It's embarrassing.
b. It's painful.
c. I don't like to be one of those bloggers who whines and moans and "oh woe is me, my pain is the most painful".
d. I am so sick of myself, I hate to expose anyone else to that wretchedness.

Ack.

So anyway.

I pretty much feel emotionally strung out.
On the outside things are looking pretty good.. kids are doing ok, I have a job, money coming in, bills being caught up, nice weather, blah blah blah.

I feel I am at somewhat of a crossroads in my life. Full time mothering is over for me, and I look ahead at the next oh say 20-30 years...and try to fit that puzzle together as to where it is going to lead me. The thoughts, hopes and dreams that I have always had for this time in my life seem to have slipped away.

I get angry with myself for not just "being happy". Just "living in the moment". For not being able to just fucking get over myself and all the shit.

I have no idea what will happen in the next 6 months, year, decade. I just know that I am sick and tired of fighting it. Of fighting in general. Of trying to do the right things, make things right, of trying to be a normal fucking human being and failing at every opportunity.

Frankly I am just sick of life. The past, the present, the pain.

Carry on.

2009-07-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time wishing I wasn't crazy.
the end.

finally updating this...

2009-07-08T19:58:00.000-07:00

I wish I liked this blog as much as I liked my old one. I wish I felt at ease writing here like I did at my old one. I wish I still felt that I had the readers and friends that I had at my old one. But I don't.
So why leave the old one behind you ask? Well, the bf's "ex wife" found my old one and spent many, many hours at one shot reading it. I had over 1000 posts on that blog. So yanno, it wasn't a quick read through. And I had a site meter and saw the extensive amount of time she spent on it, so I know that for fact. When confronted with it, she made comments like "well it was out there for anyone to read" and "don't be a victim"...blah, blah, bitch, blah. She found it by an error I made. I had signed up for twitter (and didn't even really use it) under the same name as my old blog. When she signed up for twitter, and ran a check of her address book, there I was. She then googled that name and there it was. My blog.
And YES, I am fully aware that I wrote things that anyone could find and read. That isn't the point. The point is that she fucking "googled" me and then spent over 18 hours reading my stuff.
Anywho, that's the story behind that. I no longer felt that I could write there, as I KNEW she would continue to read. My privacy was invaded, even though it was a public blog, it still felt that way.
So, I shut it down and started again. With a new name and fake email addy to set it up. I don't know if she still searches around looking for a blog by me or not, but I highly doubt that she would find it. Unless I slip up again, which I won't. I don't think anyway.

On to newer news.

My new job is going well. Actually last week I got called from the temp company asking to extend my assignment until June of 2010. So. That is awesome as it gives me a full year of work. Then hopefully at that time, I can apply to work full time at the company where I am temping. Dunno if that will happen, but it's a thought. I am just glad to be back at work and know that I will have a job until next year at least.

It's pretty mind numbing. Just doing data entry, but it is enjoyable for the most part and the coworkers are a lot of fun and we get along well. I am happy with it.
It has taken me a while to get back in the swing of getting up early every morning and going to bed at night at a decent hour. I have spent quite a bit of the last 3 weeks being exhausted! Then getting back into getting all the household stuff done during the evening or weekend. I am just thankful I don't have 3 toddlers around like I used to and do all of this! I don't think I could make it anymore. Too. Damn. Old. for that anymore.

One thing that bothers me is that I feel like quite the frump at work. Most of the women that work there wear really nice clothes, shoes and carry designer purses. While that doesn't mean much to me, it still makes me feel kinda shitty in my thrift store clothes. My close coworkers don't seem to give a shit, but I have seen some of the upper women giving me "the look". That look of "omg does she not have ANYTHING decent to wear??" look. Umm,nope. I don't.
I am not whining about it. Just stating it. I suppose at some point I will have the extra money to pick up a few things. However, I still won't shell out the dough for anything designer. That just isn't me.

The graduations and the parties are all done and over with. Whew. Can we say stressful?? It all went pretty well, but I am glad it's over. I am so proud of all my kiddos. :)

The bf, my daughter and I made the trip to Kansas a couple of weeks ago. It was so nice to see my family and visit the places that were familiar to me. I won't even talk about how fricking hot it was. O. M. G. It surely reminded me of one of the reasons I wanted to move North.

Well, it's almost bedtime so I will end this now.

My boy....

2009-06-20T21:12:00.001-07:00

Graduation went well. I am so proud of my son. It's amazing when your children are little and you look at them and think how you want so much more for them than what you had or did. I remember telling my kids how much I wanted them to go to college. I didn't. Well, I did. I went for three months and dropped out and got married instead. I look back on that now and wonder where my paths would have taken me had I stayed on the college course. I missed out on a lot of that "fun" stuff that one does when in college, too. I also remember being 18 and "knowing" everything and not listening to anything my parents said. So. Anywho..I am rambling here..but gawd I was swelled with pride yesterday when they called his name with a Bachelor of Science degree in Media Art and Animation and he walked across the stage.

2009-06-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

wow. I am tired. Feel like I have been running for about a week now. All kinds of stuff going on needing attention.
The good news is.. drum roll, Chris...I GOT A JOB!
Yes, it's true..taking a while to sink in. It is a data entry position for a large supermarket chain headquartered here. They are changing their computer systems and need the data from the old computer system into the new one. Sooooooo..guess who is one of the people who is doing that?? Me.
It is actually a "long term temp to hire" position which basically means that the job is temporary (approximately 6 months) and then they will hire 12 (I think) people to stay on full time. So hopefully if it all works out, maybe it will be me that gets hired after the 6 months.
I am nervous, yet excited. Just hope that it goes well. I start on Monday.

This week I took the daughter to her college registration/orientation. It looks like a great school, in a really nice town of about 50,000 people. So not too big, not too small. It was a fun day.
After we did all the college stuff, we went to a tattoo/piercing place. She wanted to get her tragus pierced and convinced me to get mine done, too. I really like it! and seriously? It did not hurt.

Tomorrow is the graduation for the oldest son. He is excited! I am so proud of him and excited for him. :)

My life in bullets...

2009-06-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

daughter's grad party went well. I enjoyed seeing the kids and listening to the band.
Son #1 graduates college this Friday with his bachelor's degree in Animation and Media Art. So that is really exciting also. He will participate in a portfolio show with the other graduates in the morning and then the actual graduation is in the afternoon.
In a couple of weeks two of my kids, the bf and I are going to trek to Kansas to see my family. I haven't been home in 4 years..so I am excited yet nervous, too. I wonder what it will feel like to be back there among "my" people. Some days I do long for the wide open spaces, the peace and quiet and the "place where everyone knows your name"...but then I remember why I moved . It will be good to visit though.
the last couple of weeks have found me more depressed than I really want to admit. I just want it to go away and stay away, but as I have found in the last several years, it does kind of run in cycles for me. I feel as if I have lost my emotional footing and feel more that I am floating in and out of feelings and anxiety. the pain I feel inside is so bad sometimes that tears stream from my eyes, without reason. Several times over the last few weeks, I have just wanted to lay down and not get up. Stop breathing, stop feeling the pain. BUT, as we all know that just doesn't happen. No matter how fucked up I really feel...I have to keep on keeping on.

Saturday...

2009-06-06T08:34:00.001-07:00

Ahem. So the last post was rather ummm, let's say, interesting.
It felt good to spill my guts though, and I really wasn't looking for anyone to comment, because I mean really? What is there to say? If you haven't ever experienced it? You can't relate.
But anywho.

It's rainy here this morning, which is a blessing because everything is so dry. The garden is drinking up all the goodness.
The bf took the kidlets to a movie this morning, so it is rather quiet here. I have the door open and am listening to the birds chirp through the raindrops. The cats were wild for a while, running, jumping, wrestling and now they have settled into a nap. This would be a good day for a nap! Although, I have other things that need tending. Dishes fill both sinks and laundry waits to be folded.

I am feeling on the good end of the scale this morning.

Here are a few random photos I took this week that I like.

Depression...

2009-06-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

I am not writing this for your pity. I am writing it to maybe deepen an awareness of what it is to be a depressed person. Not only could it quite possibly help someone else, but it helps me to write it out and read it.

When I am depressed..I get hurt very easily. I get angry and defensive easier. I am on the verge of tears at any given moment...for any reason... be it from spilled milk to global warming.
The thoughts that go through my head when I am depressed are always self degrading. Different from "voices" that some people hear, mine are memories (core hurts) mostly. Memories of words spoken to me, that then turn into self loathing thoughts.

As an example:
Worthless, stupid, fat piece of shit, can't do anything right, never could, never will. People know how dumb you are. All you are is a problem for people, causing them pain and more problems that they don't deserve. Why can't you be normal? So pathetic.

And if I let it escalate* they turn into more deep and negative thoughts.

For example:
All you are doing is taking up space. It's pretty obvious that you aren't going to do anything with your life here, all you do is hurt people. If you were dead, this pain would go away. You wouldn't have to feel it and wouldn't have to see the pain you cause other people. They deserve so much more than to have to deal with you and your stupidity and craziness. and on and on and on.

* I say IF I let it escalate. If my thinking is clear enough, I can stop the thoughts or at least slow them down. Deep breathing, affirmations, looking inward to where these hateful things are coming from can stop the escalation. This takes a LOT of practice and patience.

So here is the crux. I KNOW somewhere deep, deep in my soul and in my brain that these things are not true. I know that. I have been told by numerous therapists, people, books I have read, etc... Then why, if my brain knows this, does it still work against me and trigger all these horrible thoughts?? If I am to believe in medicine, then it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. So I take the little pill each night and it is supposed to help if not stop all these problems. The thing is, it doesn't take it completely away.

It's tiring. I will say that. To wrestle with your subconsious all fucking day. To constantly fight feeling this way and to not let any little thing trigger something bigger. Because that is what happens. Something small turns into something huge until I am a blubbering, hysterical mess with dark thoughts. It is not "normal" and it is not fun. It isn't something that I throw out as an excuse for my actions. It is true and it is ugly. It's hard. So very, very hard.
I have never physically made an attempt on my own life. I have never "made a plan" or anything remotely close. I am not going to do that. Be that as it may, it doesn't stop the thoughts.

So what do I do. ? . I have to take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. Put my game face on and live. Get up and get moving each day. It is hard, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Right??

As Promised....

2009-06-03T07:28:00.001-07:00

Here is my little tricycle that I found...
I love it! :)

Monday...

2009-06-01T20:17:00.001-07:00

I woke up early this morning and forced myself to shower and get ready for my internship "job". Luckily today it went a little bit better and they actually had something for me to do. The first several days I just sat there for 4 straight hours.

After that I went to the dentist and had the bad tooth pulled. It went really quickly and was painless after he shot me up with novacaine. I have had so much dental work done in my life, I kinda feel like an old pro, but I still get nervous and grip the chair and have the white knuckles.
I came home and laid down for a few minutes and then worked on some job applications and other paperwork.

Tonight I had a Employment Readiness class. Basically that is just a class where we go sit in the computer lab and look for and apply for jobs. Nothing to turn cartwheels over, but it does fill up the hours of the day, so there ya go.

Driving down the street I happened to notice an old, rusty tricycle sitting at the curb with a "free" sign on it. It has a broken wooden box attached to the back that I am hoping to fix and plant some flowers in. I think it will look cool out in the yard. The first thing I thought when I saw it was Ohhhh that would be awesome to use as a photo prop. So someday when I get my photography business (cough) up and running it may get some use! I will try to take a picture of it tomorrow and post it.
I love old, rusty, peeling paint items so you may very well laugh your head off when you see it and think She thought that was cool?? :)

Well I am off to bed. The bf seems to think that his back has not been rubbed for nearly 3 weeks now! To that I say HA! I believe that is MY back that needs to be rubbed!

Sunday afternoon....

2009-05-31T09:41:00.001-07:00

The last few days have been really busy.
Wednesday night my tooth got so painful that I knew that something had to be done. Money or no money.
Thursday morning I drove around looking for different places that had low cost dental or health care.
I went to one of the minute clinics in a Target and they wouldn't see me. They don't do any dental work even though all I really wanted were some antibiotics and pain medicine. They referred me to Urgent Care. Ha. Urgent care said find a dentist, we don't do that kind of stuff here. So I spent most of that morning driving around and crying and in tremendous pain.
Finally the bf got me in to see the dentist his family sees and I got some antibiotics and percoset.
When I picked up the prescription at Walgreens I took the pills before I left the parking lot. Gawd help me that is so painful. To the point where you think you might faint. The percoset works wonders for the pain but does a number on my stomach. Ack...but hey.. I will take stomach upset over pain any day.
The dentist estimated that all the dental work I need done would run me around $2,500. And of course, no one really wants to take payments. He actually suggested to me to find a rich relative. Right. So Monday I am going to have the one really bad tooth pulled and wait on the rest until I have the money or until they hurt so bad I can't take it again. Fun and good times people.

Friday was my daughter's graduation so my oldest son and I drove down to her house for that. We went early afternoon so we got to spend some time with her before the actual ceremony.
It was a beautiful day and I really enjoyed spending time with all my kids.
Her actual grad party is on June 12, so I am getting things organized for that, planning the menu, etc. I can't wait. It should be a lot of fun!

Today I have a few hours to get some paperwork done and apply for some jobs. I am working on son #2's financial aid stuff and of course their website is down today! keeping my fingers crossed that it comes back up soon so that I can get that crap finished.

I need to weed the garden this afternoon, too. The plants are growing nicely and I am excited for the day when we have tomatoes and peppers and zuchini and cucumbers to pick. Gardening takes a lot of patience!

The bf was on vacation all of this last week and painted his house. I painted a little and he also hired a guy to do the second story stuff. We still need to do the trim but it looks really nice so far!

If nothing changes significantly in the next couple of weeks I am going to take a trip down to Kansas to see my family. Two of the kids are going and maybe the bf is going along as well. I haven't seen them in 4 years. Right now it all depends on jobs and money. But I have my fingers crossed that it all works out.

2009-05-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like I spend the majority of my time apologizing. For something I said that came out wrong, was taken wrong, or for something I did and shouldn't have or something I didn't do and should have.

I am tired. I am so fucking tired of everything. Tired of looking for a job, tired of trying to keep black thoughts from consuming me. Tired of having a toothache from HELL and not being able to go to the dentist because of no money and no insurance. Tired of feeling displaced. Tired of crying and being full of anxiety. Tired of my heart always feeling just a little bit broken, by life it's self.

I was thinking today that it should read on my tombstone, "Well... she tried". And that is about how I am feeling right now.

And summer begins...

2009-05-22T08:12:00.001-07:00

Well the job I interviewed for did not hire me. So I am doing the internship at the non profit. Yesterday was my first day working there and I liked it. The people are nice and it is not TOO hectic, so what more could I want?

The bf and I are going out of town for a couple of days to visit some friends of his that I have never met. Hoping to relax and have fun. Maybe swim or take in a casino, too.

The super busy days start next week with the graduations, parties and all that jazz so this weekend is much needed to get ready for that!

Have a great long weekend!

2009-05-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

When it rains, it pours or so they say.
Seems that is true for me this week.
Today was my orientation for the part time job.
Yesterday, I received a call from a different job I had applied for and had a phone interview and did an online assessment. They called back and wanted to do a face to face interview today! Eeeek!
So I had the interview today and also went to the orientation for the other job, just in case I don't get the job I interviewed for. Phew.
I think I would like working at either place..so I am just waiting now to see if I get an offer or not.

Had an internal meltdown today, and I think it was just because of all the stress of the interview. Luckily it happened after the interview lol.

I just got to worrying about all that I have going on in June with the graduations and parties, etc...and how is all of this going to work with a possible new job. Where am I going to get the money for the stuff I need for the parties and............

OMFG my baby is graduating.
That fact finally hit me in the stomach today, too.

Yanno when my kids were little and there were 3 of them under 4 years old, I thought that had to be the HARDEST thing in the world. When they were all in elementary school and running from activity to activity and getting homework done, eating me out of house and home and friends constantly in and out I thought that was the HARDEST thing in the world. When they became teenagers I thought THAT was the hardest thing in the world.

But nope. None of that was actually hard at all.

The hardest thing is letting them go.

2009-05-18T06:48:00.001-07:00

Friday I got the call saying that they wanted to hire me for the internship. YAY! It is a large non profit group that helps people get back on their feet. Whether the people are just starting life again after a prison term, job loss, homelessness, anything really, this business provides services. They also have an alternative high school in the building where I will work. So. I am really excited to get moving on this. Tomorrow is orientation and hopefully I will be working within the week. It's just a few hours a week and very little money, but hey...I am excited. My job coach told me that this could be a great opportunity as this company is always hiring somewhere and that this is my foot in the door....so I am keeping my fingers crossed. Mostly the job is front desk work..filing, directing people to where they need to be and answering the phone and data entry.
Saturday the bf and I went garage saleing all morning. That was a lot of fun. We picked up some little odds and ends stuff...some books and other little things. I also found a drafting table for $2.50! That excites me to no end...I have one that I bought at a thrift store that I am going to resell now, because I like this one from the garage sale better.
In the afternoon, the bf and his brother went to the movies and I stayed home and did some work around the house. Laundry and cleaning. I baked some scones (yummy) and some no bake cookies. I haven't made those in ages, they are my kid's favorite! I knew that on Sunday I would be seeing the kiddos so I thought this was a good time to whip some up and take the cookies to them.
Sunday, my daughter's senior class was doing a fund raiser. A walk a thon to benefit a group that provides activities for families where one of the children has cancer or other life threatening illness.
(this might possibly be confusing, but bear with me here). The bf's daughter was diagnosed with leukemia a year ago and is doing well now. His family (and me) have been pretty active in this group: going to the activities and enjoying all they have to offer. When my daughter's class was trying to come up with an idea as to where their money from the fundraiser would go to, my daughter suggested this group. (confused yet?) Anyway..we went to the walk a thon, and it was great..sort of pulling his family and my family together for one good cause. The group is a very small non profit group and it sounds like the kids (and walkers) raised nearly $5,000! Pretty awesome for a small town senior class to pull off!
The actual walk was for ten miles (!) which is a long, damn way to walk. :) The bf, the kids and I walked about 2 miles, which was pretty good for us, I think.
It was a wonderful afternoon, beautiful weather, birds chirping, wild flowers blooming and just peaceful.
During the registration for the walk, my son's band played. Damn they are really getting good!
All in all it was a great day.

Sleepy

2009-05-13T21:02:00.001-07:00

I should just go to bed and not try to update tonight. However, it seems I keep putting off writing in this here old blog.
So. Here I am.
I am still waiting to hear about the internship, however, it sounded very promising and I have been promised that they will contact me tomorrow.
I am anxious to get back to work. Even a part time, internship. Hell I don't care.

Got a call from my daughter today who was having a major melt down. She is under a lot of pressure with finals, graduation coming up and working a lot. I had had her invitations to her grad party printed last week and mailed them to her. Well...somewhere, somehow, they were misplaced. She has the envelopes, but not the cards. She swears her dad must have thrown them out. And of course, the trash man came on Tuesday. So. F*ck. Now what. Sure I can have them reprinted, but that is just more money that I don't have. However, I don't have much choice. So I will do that tomorrow I guess.

I have embarrassed myself several times in the last week or so. Mostly with not regulating my emotions. This is something that is fairly new to me, still. After living over 40 years on an emotional roller coaster, it is a lot of hard work trying to change the way your "inside" works.

Hello?

2009-05-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

I am feeling just a tad overwhelmed at the moment.

The job search continues, I feel that I work harder at it each and every day. I have a job coach from school who sends me leads on jobs, plus I scour the internet each chance I get. Looking, looking, looking.

Tomorrow I have an interview for an internship. It would be doing front desk work and data entry for a large non profit group. I feel confident going into it and would love to have the opportunity. However, it is only 12 hours a week and pays umm... VERY little. It is a 12 week commitment. Of course, if something full time comes up in the mean time...I would definitely take that.

Finishing up classes this week and next of this 8 week session. Next session (providing I haven't found full time work yet) I will take evening classes so that I can do the internship during the day. Not sure how I really feel about that, but that's the way it will work out.
My unemployment payments run out in two weeks. Yup. That means I basically have NO income.
This frightens me more than I can say. The thought of signing up for general assistance and food stamps, really? makes my gut hurt.
I am embarrassed and ashamed to have to do such a thing. My dad is now turning over in his grave.

Have I mentioned ~~today~~ that I not only have one child graduating in less than a month...but I have TWO graduating?? Mmmhmm. Two. My daughter will graduate high school and my oldest son will graduate college. Invitations to be bought and sent, food for parties, gas for driving too and from, etc...and did I mention that I have NO INCOME??
STRESS.

I have also self diagnosed myself with a rare itchier than hell skin disease. I am going to call it "WTF? is this itchy shit" disease. I don't THINK it is fatal but I am still googling possibilities.
I have had these weird itchy patches crop up here and there and my hands are itchy and weird looking.
STRESS? I suppose that could be a possibility.
Whatever it is I am lotioning, moisturizing, hydrating my entire body to get rid of the itchies.

2009-05-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

This is my first Not Me! post. I found this Monday fun over at McMama's blog and just had to play along.

1. I did NOT yell at my bf for wiping the grass seed off his hands into our freshly cleaned out flower/garden bed and I most certainly did NOT say "seriously" when I was done ranting like they do on Grey's Anatomy.

2. I did NOT play at least 200 games of bejeweled blitz on facebook and I am NOT addicted even if my bf thinks I am. ~~I AM going to get a high score, dammit, I am!~~

3. I did NOT forget that I was supposed to be finishing up my daughter's fafsa stuff for college this fall. eeek.

4. I most certainly did NOT eat like half a bag of those little white powdered sugar donuts in one sitting.

Happy Not Me! Monday!!

Beauty

2009-05-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

I had a really nice weekend. Most of it was spent outdoors working on planting vegetables and flowers.

We planted 3 kinds of peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, onions and some catnip!
I love gardening and it makes me feel close to my roots (pardon that pun) and it's so fun to watch everything grow and start to produce.

I picked up some delicate Violas and planted them in the front flower bed. They are so tiny and beautiful.

Monday....

2009-04-27T17:39:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I haven't updated this blog in a week! Geez, not like me at all.

Last week was a weird one. The bf's ex had to move out of her rented house (long and filthy story there) and since she is a lazy POS, she left it filthy and looking like something that should have been condemned. Since technically the bf was still on the lease, even though he had not lived there for 3 years, he would have probably been held liable for the disgustingness. Seriously, how anyone could live in that filth and subject her children to that is beyond me. I fully understand messiness and some dirty dishes in the sink. I get that and I am not Miss Neatypants or anything...but this went beyond messiness. This was dirty clothes, trash and crap covering the floors so that you had to walk on things to get through the house. This was mouse poop on the kitchen counters. This was a toilet that was black on the inside and a shower that was so disgusting it made me gag. This was bags and bags of "stuff". Trash, and more trash.
Personally I would never do anything for her. I love the bf and his children, but her? not so much.
What I am getting to here is, that she left this pit and was not going to clean it up. BF was going to have to pay the price. So I did go and help him clean up. It went against my better judgement. I don't/didn't like the fact that she was allowed to get away with it, however that she gets away with so much it is not surprising.
Anyway...that is done with. On to the next crisis.
********************

Saturday I went down to my daughter's house (she lives with her dad) and helped her get ready for Prom. It was so much fun and she looked so beautiful. We did her hair and nails and took tons of pictures.
Son #2 also came over to visit so I got to see him, too. Bonus!
At 10 pm I went to this Country club/Athletic center place and helped set up for the After Prom party. Shortly before midnight all the kids showed up and the fun began. There were a ton of games and swimming, food and prizes. I think the kids really enjoyed it and the night went by pretty fast. We were done cleaning up around 4:30 am and I set out for the hour and a half drive home. I had really no idea if I would be able to drive it being so tired, but I think I had gotten my second wind after a cup of coffee and a walk around the gas station parking lot. I got home around 6 am and slid into bed. Ahhhh, felt so good to get some sleep!
Even though I am still tired today, it was worth it. I would do it all over again. After all, this is really the last thing I will have the opportunity to "help" with. She will be graduating in about a month and she is my baby. So. It was definitely worth it. :)
******************

The big news for me is that I should be having an interview for a job. Don't have too much info to give out yet, but as soon as I hear more, I will update.

******************
Mia, my kitty, was spayed today. Amen. She is currently sleeping on the bed and recovering nicely.
******************

Tomorrow is the BF's birthday!! Happy Birthday Sweetie! :)

Weekend Wrap Up...

2009-04-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

Ah. What a weekend!
Saturday I drove down to the SE part of the state and saw my two younger kiddos. Spent part of the afternoon with my daughter and then went off to the hotel. The bf was there with his daughter and we all went swimming and enjoyed the hot tub, too. mmmm..hot tub. Love that. My daughter, her BOYfriend (bad reputation and all) and her BFF joined us at the pool and we all had a great time.
I had a chance to chat with the BOYfriend and he really, truly is a decent guy. He works and goes to college and really likes my daughter. (This is me giving him and my daughter's judgement the benefit of the doubt. Pretty cool of me, huh?)

The bf and I left the rest of the peeps at the hotel and we went to the bar to watch son #2's band play. They mostly play reggae and a few oldies rock thrown in. A lot of what they played Saturday night were originals that they had all wrote and I thought that was pretty damn impressive. Yeah, I may be a bit biased, but they really are good. He mostly plays the bass and he is really good. It is so sweet to see him really get into it. The band leader even gave me a "shout out" during the set saying "The lady in pink right over here, the mother of our bass player is having a birthday today! Happy Birthday S!" Made me smile! :)

We slept in Sunday morning and while the bf and his daughter did more swimming I went out for a late breakfast with son #2. It had been a while since I really got to sit down and chat with him alone.
He is working and going to school and playing in the band and is really burning the candle at both ends. He is looking forward to the end of his first year in college, so that things can slow down a little bit in the summer.
He told me he is thinking of going into art education...which I have to say, pleases me to no end. He would be an awesome teacher and loves most art. His main focus is pottery and would love to be nothing other than a professional potter, but he also knows that that is a hard way to make a living. So teaching would allow him to work with his passion and make money. He gave me a gorgeous pot for my birthday that he threw recently and the glaze on it reminds me of mint chocolate chip ice cream. It is really beautiful.

In the afternoon we drove home and stopped at the hospital to see the bf's oldest daughter who was still in the hospital with an infection in her port.
Today looks better and they are releasing her. Thank goodness. She has been in the hospital for two weeks now and that is far too long.

It was a great weekend!

Thursday...

2009-04-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

I have lots to say, yet find myself not wanting to write it out.
I have to say I miss my old blog where I just put it all out there, for better or worse.
This blog seems like a new chapter in my life. One that is full of uncertainty.
I hate uncertainty and not knowing where I am going. It makes me panic a bit. I work best with structure and agenda.
Right now I have very little structure and a meager schedule.

I am still attending my classes three days a week, so that helps.
The other days I work on sending out applications and resumes and hope to get a call back. A fact I learned the other day is that in this current economy the average person sends out 17 resumes before they get one interview. Sounds pretty poor, but I have a feeling that I will get a job. I just hope it is soon!

I also clean, do the laundry and other house work. That is part of the deal with me and bf, I pay very little rent to live here and do the household work. I actually enjoy doing that stuff, so it works out well for me.

I work on some art here and there and photography, which I really enjoy.

Well now that I have drank almost an entire pot of coffee I guess I should actually DO something.

I am thinking of working out in the yard as it is super nice here FINALLY. :)

A Little Bit of Spring......

2009-04-13T19:29:00.000-07:00

Wow. I am tired. Seriously thinking of going to bed before 10 pm. Which is rather unusual for me.
The weekend was busy.

Friday was the bf's youngest daughter's birthday so he and I went to the movie with four 8 year old girls.
They do have some energy that is for SURE. It was a good time though, and they enjoyed it a lot.

One bad thing, though, is that his oldest daughter who has been fighting leukemia has been in the hospital for about a week now, running fever and with a case of the shingles. I felt so bad for her missing the birthday party and for missing out on the Easter brunch and fun. However, she had several visitors and got lots of Easter treats that helped boost her spirits a little bit.

Saturday was a day of running around.

Sunday we went out for Easter brunch and that was really nice.

I rearranged my plans for going to see my kids. I am going this weekend instead of this past one as this coming weekend is my birthday and my middle son wanted me to come down and see his band play.
I am excited to see them.

Cautiously...

2009-04-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

I feel kinda like the ground hog poking his head out of a hole and looking around.. "Hm...I think I feel a little bit better!"
**********************

With the magic that we call face book, I have reconnected with a cousin I haven't seen in nearly 20 years. She was always cute, spoiled, perky, sweet, thin...everything *I* wasn't as a teenager. She was from a big city (Denver) and would come to our farm out in the sticks and visit a day or so in the summer each year. I always felt really pretty uncomfortable around her. She would "just love!" all the animals and "just love!" riding the tractor...all the stuff *I* hated, because I lived there.

I remember when we were both seniors in high school, word trickled down the family grape vine that her father had been out of town on business, she had a party at their apartment (gasp!) where someone drank far too much and died of alcohol poisoning. In. Their. Apartment. My conservative parents nearly died just thinking of it! The shame! (I mean yeah..that is pretty horrible, but the thought of a niece of theirs?? Drinking?? Zoinks!) I always, privately, of course, smirked a little bit about that whole thing... Miss Perky Skinny Cousin. did that?? Ha.

Then later on, when I was in my twenties with 3 little kids driving me absolutely bonkers, she dropped out of the sky and stopped by my house. Lord have mercy, I had not seen her in at least 8 years and here she just drops by my messy house with no warning.

She and her husband had just got back from their honeymoon, on some island I don't remember. I do remember that she looked like she just stepped out of Vogue with some white short shorts on and a cute little top on her ever so tan bod. Here I was wiping a babies nose with my shirt tail. Gah.

Anywho.. shortly there after, the grapevine again filled me in that she had landed a spot on the ever so famous game show The Price is Right! and not only did she get $1 on the wheel...she won the double showcase deal. I remember that she won a car, some electronics, a big trip and some cash. It was lots o' stuff!! At the time I thought.. Well that little Beeyatch! Always with the luck!
Later I found out though that those prize winnings bankrupted her. Something to do with actually having to pay taxes on the winnings. Can't remember exactly.

Anyway.. getting to present day... We friended each other on the good old facebook and I happened to see her online tonight so I struck up a conversation with her. We chatted a bit and then she told me that her marriage had ended. I commiserated, gave my sympathy, etc... She then went on to tell me that the reason her marriage ended was because of the tv show Wife Swap. Apparently her family was on that show a couple of years ago! And after the swap, her husband decided that he wanted a divorce.

Weird shit. My family.

2009-04-05T11:36:00.000-07:00

In our Empowerment framing class the other day, our teacher passed around an imaginary bag to put our boxing gloves in. So that we would all stop beating ourselves up.

I try to think of that, hourly sometimes, and try not to beat myself up.

I try to remind myself that every day is a new day. 24 hours of fresh starts. Fresh thoughts, fresh feelings. That even though yesterday was a big ole' pile of steaming doo-doo..that doesn't mean that today has to be.

However, emotionally I am a wreck. I question my sanity and emotions constantly.
I am shakey and just feel so tired most of the time, that I just want to lay down and let it the world wash over me and pass me by. F this and all that jazz.

Because of the anxiety and depression I am currently feeling, I also get that "unsafe" feeling. Hard feeling/emotion to explain but I don't feel "safe"...it's fear I guess. Fear that I am going to be hurt. By who? I am not really sure. A man walking down the street? A woman in the car next to me? A group of kids skateboarding? Yeah..all of the above and more. Untrusting.

I guess I am just weary and tired.

I continue on with the anti depressants and hope that once the weather finally clears and warms up (that IS going to happen right??) that I will feel better.
**************

I am scraping together some money and going to see my kids this coming weekend. Hoping to rent a motel room (hopefully with an indoor pool) in their town and just hang out for an afternoon and night and morning.
I need that connection right now. That unconditional love. The fun and laughter that they bring. The history. I so need it.

Snippets

2009-04-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

I f-ed up my blog template and can't seem to fix it. Blah, I will keep working on it, cuz the black background is none too appealing to me.

I am surrendering one of my cats today to a shelter. I hate to do it, but I cannot afford both of them without a job. They need to be fixed and get shots and it is expensive. Feel pretty pissy about doing it.

Seems like my life is running with the sentence "You gotta do what you gotta do".

You gotta put up with this, if you want to keep that.

You can't afford this, so you have to do that.

While I understand life is about choices that have to be made,

I am damned tired of all my choices sucking.

2009-03-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

Because at the minute I am so fucking pissed off, hurt, angry and feeling like putting my head in the oven... here is a picture of my cat's belly. She is all black except for this one part. I think it is cool because it has a heart shape near her umm..you know what. It's blurry cuz I took it with my cell phone, but fuck it, I think it is cool and wanted to share it with you.

Interesting........

2009-03-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

So my daughter told me last night that her dad is going to go back to work full time now. Hmm. He has been on Social Security Disability since about 2001. He is schizo-affective and could not handle working full time.
I find this very interesting because IF he goes back to work full time, he will lose his disability benefits and his medicare benefits.
I find it hard to believe that he will make more money working full time than he does now working part time and collecting SSDI.
He told our daughter that it "hurts his self esteem" to only work part time and that he "thinks too much" when he is home and only working part time in the evenings.
Hmmm.. To me this sounds like more of his unclear thinking. Seriously he was unable to work due to paranoia and depression and hallucinations. I am wondering how he thinks this has changed? I wonder if he has discussed this with his dr? or his siblings?
I hesitate to even discuss this with him, as really it is not my business anymore. But, it does worry me. I just hope that he knows how hard it will be to get back on SSDI IF he can't handle working full time. It won't be a walk in the park.
Also, I sure hope that his full time job has good insurance and prescription coverage because all the medication he takes costs around $1,500 a month, plus he must have blood work done frequently and also see his psychiatrist monthly.
*********
Plus we found out that the bf's ex pissed away her job. Which was a GOOD job people. So now? she is unemployed, about to be evicted in a couple of weeks. Yet, she seems unconcerned. More concerned with attending ball games and movies.
*********
Seriously.

2 Issues....

2009-03-26T10:40:00.001-07:00

Number 1: my daughter informed me last night that she is now officially "going out with" the ex band member. In teen speak "going out with" means "going steady" or "I really am trying to send my mother to an early grave".
So what does a mother say to a text that says that?? I just text back and said, Well, that is cool but please be careful. She said I know..and I will.
I really do remember what it is like to be on the verge of 18, all full of hope and future. I just don't want her to mess that future up with the likes of this guy. But. She must learn her own lessons. Gah. How hard is that for a parent to do??

Number 2: if anyone remembers last summer I adopted two kittens. I got them long before I lost my job. Now these kittens are 8ish months old and NEED to be spayed. Emphasize the word need there as the bf and I are at our wits end with one of them meeeooowwwing all damn day and night. Plus, she has taken to peeing places that she should not pee! That?? is the limit.
So I am on the search for a low cost spay program...which in these economic times is not easy. Apparently there are tons of people like me who cannot afford the prices that Vets want to charge. One place I checked actually quoted me nearly $400 a CAT. Good f-ing grief. When I nearly fell to the floor, the girl then told me how I could get my cats on pet insurance, blah, blah. I had to laugh just a little and tell her I am unemployed and don't have health insurance FOR MYSELF, let alone am I going to afford to get it for MY CATS.
So I guess, I will get back to my quest of a cheaper vet.

I have a hormonal teenage girl child and two hormonal teenage girl cats. I need medication. :)

2009-03-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

I know even before typing this that it is going to be politically incorrect. If it offends you? Sorry.

The other day my sister and I were talking about our problems, bitching about life in general, blah, blah.

She was telling me again that I had ruined her life with facebook. I talked her into joining and now she is being contacted by people from her High school class that she hasn't talked to in over 30 years. And apparently she liked it that way. One guy classmate is kind of hitting on her, suggesting that they meet, hinting that he always liked her in high school, etc... Let's just say she is NOT interested and again, this is all my fault. (snicker).

Another of her classmates sends her messages full of woe, how horrible his life is. She is just about fed up with it. She said to me:

"You know, I want to email him and tell him that we all have our own little Cambodias".

I nearly peed myself laughing. I had never heard someone say that before!
Anyway... that is my little politically incorrect thing of the day.

I fiddle around with facebook, and it is kind of fun.
Oh that friend that said she liked me more before I started making positive changes?? I removed her from my facebook page and from my chat programs. It was like a knife in my back every single time I saw her online and she wouldn't speak. Or I would see her doing stuff on facebook and leaving me out. It's probably junior high-ish of me to unfriend her, but I felt like it.

2009-03-20T16:12:00.000-07:00

I wonder why spring is so hard for me. Whenever I have had a major depressive episode it has been in the spring.
A person would think that it would be the opposite. That the long dreary winter would be the depressive time, not the time of year when things start to turn green and seem alive again.

It seems no different this year, however I do not feel hopeless like I have in the past. I am looking forward with the knowledge that things will go back up. Yes, they will.

Classes start again next week and I am on the hunt for a job, both good things to be doing.
I am really looking forward to June, as my oldest graduates college and my youngest graduates High school. I am so proud of all my kids, sometimes I shake my head and think? wow! we all survived. They made it through High School and are off to college!

When I graduated High school, college was pretty much thought of as a frivolous waste of time. No one ever really pushed me to go or suggested that I go or asked me if I wanted to go.
I wonder now what my parents thought I would do???? Sheesh.
My sister and I laugh, a sad laugh, when we think about when she wanted to go to college, my mother said "Why would you go to college?? You can type!" Like typing was the free pass to a good life.
My older brother did go to college, much to my father's chagrin. My father did not help him at all. No money, no food, no help with any rent. Nothing. He said if you wanna go?? then go. and be done with it. So he worked his way through and my grandmother made him care packages of spam and pork and beans. My mom would sneak him 10 dollars here and there for gas to come home and see us.

Anyway...I am glad my kids have the opportunity and the drive to go to college.

I have not been sleeping well the last week or so. and it is driving me nuts. There is not much worse than laying there, trying to sleep when you cannot.

Tonight, I am hoping that I can.

2009-03-19T10:36:00.001-07:00

Sitting here in my little corner of the bedroom staring out the window at the squirrels, I ponder on the things that have happened in my life in the last 4 years or so.

I miss my children. I miss them needing me. I miss my simple little life of being a mom and baking cupcakes for birthday parties and hiding Easter eggs for the town Easter Egg hunt that I organized. I miss Friday night ball games. I miss having a girlfriend to call on the phone and laugh and cry and bitch with. I miss cooking and baking for an army of kids who filled my house with laughter and fun. I miss being right sometimes. I miss the feeling of confidence that I know what I am doing.
I miss it.

Almost 4 years ago, I moved 600 miles away from where I was born and raised and lived for 40 years. Two years later, I separated from the man that has/had been my husband for 25 years now. I went bankrupt. I watch as my children turn into young adults before my eyes. I moved to a city with the hope and promise of a better life. I lost my job. I lost my apartment and moved in with my significant other and his children. I look for a job, I take classes with people who just got out of prison. My few remaining possessions are in boxes in the garage.

I wonder sometimes, what the hell happened.

I wonder sometimes, too, what the hell is gonna happen next.

And what choices do I need to make right now to make it something good.
Because dammit, I am sick of the bad stuff. I am sick of feeling bad and crying. I am sick of feeling like I don't belong anywhere anymore.

I want to make it good.

2009-03-15T19:10:00.001-07:00

Today my daughter called me crying.
Her dad apparently had asked her to look up online for him "mail order brides because he is going to be so lonely when she goes away to college".
I can't even begin to tell you how mad I am that he did that to her. Laid that guilt on her. She was crying so hard and said "What is he going to do when I go away to college? he is going to be alllllllllll alone".....
I was so mad and sad and hurt that he did that to her.
I told her that it is NOT her place to keep him from being lonely. He is a grown man and can take care of himself. She said she knows all that.
But of course, that guilt hurts and buries itself inside ya. Been there, still do it all the time.
He has three never married sisters, and one never married brother, one married brother and one married sister. He has more family than most people. He is NOT alone.
***********
I am a basket full of frayed nerves, anxiety and tears this past couple of days. It was a fun weekend, hooooo boy.
I gotta get back into powermode instead of weak mode I guess.

2009-03-12T12:32:00.000-07:00

Blended families. Not something I am used to, or particularly like at the moment. Yes, there has been trouble in paradise.
It's easy to think that two people who are very much in love, could make just about anything work, right? Well, I am here to tell ya.. it's tough.
It's so different than just two single people, falling in love, living happily ever after. We each have "ex's" and lots and LOTS of baggage that comes along with that. Our marriages to other people were completely different. Now, we have to take each other and figure out how in the world a whole new person is to live with, be with, how they act and treat each other.
I could sit here and write and tell you my issues that I have with his ex wife. But, it will just be the same story you have heard a million times before from a million other women and *I*will come out looking bitter and jealous. So, yeah, I am not gonna play that. So I just have to trust that my bf knows way better than me what she is like and what he needs to do to make things work smoothly. I don't like it. Hell no I don't. But, there really isn't one single thing that I can do about it other than keep my big mouth shut. And let it go.
I have to say that it is much easier for me (and thus for my bf) that my kids are nearly grown and that my ex lives 90 miles away and not 2 miles like his ex does. I don't have to have daily constant contact with my ex anymore, because my children are our only connection and they are old enough to speak for themselves now. If I want to know something about them, or what they are up to? I just ask them.
Then to top off the"ex" issues we each have different parenting styles. Yeesh. I am sure everyone with a child knows, that no one takes lightly to someone else telling them something about their child. Defensiveness arises. It's normal and natural, IMO.
His kids live here in his house pretty much half the time. I am not their mother, step mother, or anything else. I am dad's girlfriend who happens to be living here for the time being.
So I really have to be careful not to put too many of my personal parenting skills out there, as these are not my children. Yet, I care for them as if they were my own. Again, I say, it's tough. and confusing. and exasperating.
I do know that we love each other and that we want this relationship to work. It's gonna take a lot of work.
If anyone has any comments or advice for a situation like ours, feel free to share.

2009-03-09T06:50:00.001-07:00

Was unsure about what to title this post.
I figure there were two choices really.
"Garden frog waits for spring! "
OR
"S needs to go back to work soon, as she has started taking pictures of frosty garden frogs!"

Lots to say!

2009-03-08T07:32:00.000-07:00

Today my daughter is going on a date. Which is not something all that new or special, however the guy she is going to date is new.
He is one of her brother's friends, who used to be the lead singer of the band.
He was for lack of a better term, kicked out of the band. (now we are getting to the meat of the story here). Kicked out because he drank too much and would not work at practices. Sigh. So. Did I mention yet that he is 21??? Hmmm?? and that he got a DUI ON his 21st birthday and lost his license?? And my daughter is going on a date with him. Today. Ice skating.
So. I have talked to her twice about it. Reminded her that he is older than her and that he is KNOWN to have some issues with drinking and gawd knows what else.
She assures me that he is making positive changes in his life and that they are just "going iceskating for gawd's sake and not going to the liquor store and motel 6". He is a friend who she likes to "hang out" with.
Oook, I am choosing to believe all that. Now if I could just stop worrying about it.
*****************
I finally got all the taxes done. I did the kid's taxes for them, too and I have already informed them that NEXT year? It is every man for himself. Ack, I don't like doing taxes or math.
I got my refund back already. It is amazing how fast that money goes. I am paying off the majority of my debt and will even have a little dab to put in a savings account.
I will admit that I "blew" a little bit of money on myself. I bought a pair of jeans at Old Navy and a ring. The ring has three blue stones (faux sapphires) , 14k gold and is SO. pretty.
I don't have any nice jewelry. What nice stuff I did have, I have had to pawn for money over the last couple of years. I have so missed having a pretty ring to wear. I KNOW how petty that sounds, but I did miss it.
To me, this ring means a lot. It is a symbol to me of perserverance and strength. I will wear it always.
*****************
Celebrated my oldest son's 22nd birthday this week and we went to the opening of the art show that he and I participated in. That was fun. The gallery is a pretty cool place and they had a LOT of art there, but (and I hate to be a critic) the place or I should say the people running it are really unorganized. The upside is that this gives me tons of experience in how a gallery should be run. So hopefully..........shhhh..someday down the road, when *I* open my own gallery... heh..I will know what to do...
******************
In other news.. the two cats, Mia and Lola have been in "heat" the past week or so. Nothing like have two yowling cats around. That's one more thing that my tax refund is going to pay for! Spaying two cats! It's totally worth it.

Learning...

2009-03-03T18:10:00.000-08:00

I nearly giggled outloud. Really, I did. All by myself, just giggling.
What I find so funny is that the stuff I am learning about empowerment? really works. It's true!

When I began the class 8 weeks ago, I kinda thought..mmhmm..sure...right. Blah, blah, talk on. The more I listened and read and did the exercises in our workbook? I began to believe. I began practicing what I was learning.

Deep down, I can feel it. I can feel the essense of empowerment. I AM worthy, valuable and loveable. I am. It makes me giggle.

I am able to regulate my emotions and not have to live on this roller coaster anymore. I can be free of the negative self talk. Oh sure, they are still there... the negative stuff, the core hurts from long ago. They're there, I won't forget about them. BUT, I am strong enough to deal with it. Regulate it. Not let it over power me to the point of the deepest, darkest of thoughts...the depression and the thoughts of suicide that I have felt before.

Today, I put my learnings into action. I was feeling very sorry for and angry with myself for not having any money. My son's birthday is Thursday and I don't have much to give him. My daughter is looking at prom dresses and guess who doesn't have the money to help her buy it?
So I stopped and thought about it. I told myself that really? my worth as a mother or a person has nothing to do with money. It isn't about what I can buy and give. My value is not based on the money I have. I am valuable whether I am rich or poor or somewhere inbetween. I AM a good mother. That's all that really matters and I can look at my kids and know that as a fact.

One of the other really important things that I have been learning is about responsibility. Responsibility is power. It focuses on the present, on finding solutions, on strengths, resiliancy and so much more.
By taking responsibility for my own self, my own core value, I am powerful. It feels so good to be in power of your own self. To stop blaming...because blaming makes a person a helpless victim.

I have learned so much. I have so much more to learn. I need to practice all the things I have learned and keep them going in my life. I can do it.

Monday night..

2009-03-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

After having the mothertrucker of all weeks last week, this one is starting out ok.
This is my final week of the first session of classes. We are doing some testing and wrapping up the classwork. The next two weeks will be off, but have some workshops and meetings that I will attend.

It is rather funny, in a non funny way, how when my class started out we had like 25 students. Today? in class I think we had 8. The number has dwindled due to dirty random drug testing results and just lack of responsibility for completing the session. I do feel rather bad that some people did not finish, I enjoyed them as classmates and hopefully, some day they will get their act together. But.. that is not my station to work (as my sister would say)... I have a hard enough time working my own station tyvm. Anyway...

Thursday is my oldest son's birthday. How did he grow up so damn fast??? He will be. 22. years. old.
**I** was nearly 22 when I HAD him. Yikes..I am feeling older than dirt.
I have invited him over for dinner and am going to make him my ~~world famous~~ pretty darn good homemade pizza. and cake or pie.. not sure which yet.

Friday evening is the gallery opening that he and I are involved in. Here is a link if you want to check it out. I will take some pictures and share them afterwards.

Ok off to bed for me.

It's Friday...

2009-02-27T09:33:00.001-08:00

and good grief we had a big snowstorm yesterday. I am guessing that we got around 6" or so. I am wishing that this is the last big storm of the season. Ha. As my mom used to say.... If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Anywho... I want to say thanks to everyone that comments here. Your support and words mean so much to me! Seriously.

I am cleaning house today to prepare for a family party the b/f is hosting tomorrow. Should be fun. Once I get the house cleaned, that is.

Other than that? I am just going to share some new photos I took and wish you all a wonderful weekend!

The one where she cusses like a drunken sailor...

2009-02-25T19:31:00.000-08:00

I wish it were morning already.
It's almost bed time and the thought of the dark of night,
feels oppressive. I hate it when I lay in bed and think.
I either want to sleep or move on to the next day already.
The last couple of days have not been good ones for me.
I have been down.
This business of change is hard work.
It is fucking tiring.

No one other than me..really truly gives a shit about my changes. I suppose
that is the way it is.
It just is. It is disappointing, but it's reality.

The friend? remember her? who stopped talking to me? I caught her on a chat program the other day. It was awkward, yes. I finally asked her what had happened to our friendship. She said she liked the "old" me. (The one before I started going with the b/f and making positive changes in my life.The one who wallowed in all her problems and was depressed 90% of the time)
I told her..well.. this is the REAL me. She said well I like the real you before.
Not much I can say to that. She doesn't want to listen to all the changes I am making...I suppose she thinks the changes are taking me further away from her.
Fuck, I don't know. I am tired of thinking about it.

To be honest? I am fucking sick of life. I am tired of struggling and fighting.
And it pisses me the hell off that I have to keep doing it over and over again until I get all the changes made and get things going the way they are supposed to.

See what I mean?? this business of change is tiring.

Tuesday

2009-02-23T06:26:00.000-08:00

Sunday went ok. The oldest son and I drove down to the ex's house to see my daughter. She had to work til 1 pm so we did some running around first and went to see the #2 son at his workplace. He was busy helping a customer..so we just sort of said hi, yadda yadda..I got a good hug and told him I loved him and we left. Even though it was terribly brief, I still got to see him and feel him in my hug. He is so tall. I mean..he hasn't grown or anything since the last time I saw him at Christmas, lol, but that is what I always think when I see him.. he is SO tall. Dayum.

We had lunch at the ex's and waited for the girl child to come home from work. I tried to figure out the digital tv box for the ex as it doesn't work at all. I think I have finally convinced him to just get the cheapest cable you can get for pity's sake. I mean seriously. Just do it. He CAN afford it.

As we were sitting around waiting, the ex said to me. OUT OF THE BLUE, mind you...

"Looks like your boobs are getting bigger"....

Once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I said to him wow..that was inappropriate, tyvm.

He looks at me and says Wha?? That is a good thing.

I am like OMG ...and I felt like putting my coat back on.

Other than that STUPID, WEIRD comment, he was nice.

The play we attended was good, but a tad long. It was "South Pacific" and lasted about 3 hours.
It was so good to see my daughter and spend some time with her.

We talked about her high school graduation and the party that she/we are planning. It's gonna be a big party held at the legion (which she rented and paid for!) and her brother's band is going to play (for free!), lots of food and fun. I asked how many she has invited..and well.. she invited everyone from her facebook, which numbers 273 (!) at the moment. Plus she said she told everyone to bring a friend!! Lawdy this could be interesting!
It won't happen until June so we have some time to prepare. Thank goodness!

The oldest son will also graduate in June. He will have his bachelor's degree in Animation and Media art. I am so excited for him! I am nervous about him finding a job, but hey...hopefully something will be there for him. His birthday is next week and he will be 22.. so.hard.to.believe.

I swear it was only a year ago that he was jumping off the back of the couch with his batman cape on. :)

Sunday

2009-02-22T05:32:00.000-08:00

I am off to the more country-fied area today. Going to see my daughter. It will be nice to get out of the city for the day.
These are a couple pictures I have taken over the last few weeks that I really liked.
Happy Sunday!

2009-02-19T16:11:00.000-08:00

This week is humming along and tomorrow is Friday already.
I have been a mood today, and I don't like it. Trying to keep it from going anywhere.
I know why I am fretting and it is because Sunday I am going to see my daughter and her dad will be there. I haven't seen him or really talked to him since Christmas and it has been nice. But, now that I know I will have to be in the same room with him again, I am nervous and to be honest rather scared.
Isn't it kind of crazy for me to be nervous and scared of him? He has never physically hurt me and I don't think ever would..but mentally he drains me and the reason I get nervous and scared is because of the way he talks to me sometimes, still.
I cannot wait to see my daughter, gawd how I miss her...and I am trying not to let this put a damper on my excitement, but it does.

Thoughts...

2009-02-17T18:53:00.000-08:00

Wow. My mind is full of thoughts these days.
Each Tuesday morning I have Empowerment class and that is mentally draining. It is hard to comprehend all the things that we learn each week and realize how true they all are. I am learning so much about myself. On the inside.

It is a lot of hard work. Especially since I have lived and believed another way for so long. I can't remember when it was that I disconnected from my core value. Core value being the fact that I am worthy, loveable and important. To myself..on the inside.

I am seeing a difference in myself since taking this class and re establishing my core value. I am working hard on regulating my emotions and thoughts. I am realizing that all of my reactions to things that happen to me are based on core hurts that I have picked up along the way of life.

One of my major core hurts is criticism. That goes way back and has been the source of a lot of my problems all my life. I am working really hard to curb the anger that comes out of that core hurt and realize that criticism is not always a bad thing.. that it is an opportunity to grow and learn. It is a tough to relearn that.

Probably second in line is fear of abandonment. I can pinpoint where that came from. When I was little I remember my mom saying to my sister and I..."I am going to get in that car and drive far away and never come back." I can distinctly remember being around 4 or 5 years old and the thought of that frightened me so much.
My grandmother and my older brother were a huge part of my young life and I feel that they were two of the only people in my childhood who loved me unconditionally.
My brother being 13 years older than me left for college when I was 5. I remember not knowing why he left and crying myself to sleep because he was not coming back. He came home on holidays, but I do remember not letting myself get too close..because I knew he was going away again.
At age 10, I watched my grandmother suffer a fatal heartattack in our living room. I literally watched her die... the look of fear on her face, the gasping for breath...my mother screaming, my father yelling...me standing in the corner not knowing what was really happening..only knowing that she was gone. We had to wait a long time for the ambulance and coroner to come as we lived out in the country quite a distance from any towns. I remember sitting and looking at her... slumped in the chair, eyes closed. My father made me kiss her cold, lifeless cheek and tell her goodbye. I was crushed.

I was 25 when my father died of a heart attack. I was not quite 30 when my mother was killed in a car crash. Abandoned. Orphaned, I felt.

I felt so alone. I had three children under age 7 and a mentally ill husband.
I trudged forward, caring for all four of them...losing my self along the way.
Without my mother and no close friends really...I let myself be drug down with negative self talk, verbal abuse and ultimately depression. Not pretty.

Whew.

The good news is that I can and am digging out of this kind of thinking and pattern. It will be alright. I will be alright.

Monday...

2009-02-16T06:40:00.000-08:00

I spent part of yesterday taking photos down by the Mississippi river. Thought I would share a few.
I am so loving my new camera :)

Sunday morning....

2009-02-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

Well it's a quiet Sunday morning at our place. I got up and went for a 30 minute walk and took some pictures around the neighborhood. It is cold, but not bad and sunny so I enjoyed it.

I drank coffee in silence for a while, watching the cats run like rabid monsters all over the house.
The littlest girl is up now and making herself some pizza rolls for breakfast. Heh. She is the cutest thing..and it cracks me up every time when something happens and she says "Oh Snap!"

I am learning the art of Mario Cart on the Wii. That's a really fun game! I am not really great at keeping my car on the actual road, but hey.. it's fun anyway.

I made a big dinner last night of roast, potatoes and gravy, green beans and chocolate cake. It was yummy but now I need to go do all the dishes! Laundry is on the agenda, too, today. Other than that? I am gonna veg.

Friday morning...

2009-02-13T04:50:00.000-08:00

The b/f put new memory in my computer. I know nothing about such things, but I do know that it runs like a race horse now! YAY!

I tested out of my typing class this week. 63 wpm with the typing and 130 cpm on the ten key. So I am happy about that. The teacher wants me to move on to dictation as he thinks I will be good at that. So next week I will start dictation. The other classes are going well also and I am really enjoying them.

Scared

2009-02-10T20:44:00.000-08:00

Tonight I felt the need to go for a short walk. I like breathing in some fresh outside air and it helps to stretch out my back a bit if I walk. So around 8 p.m. I headed out to walk around the block. It was dark, but the streets are well lit and I feel comfortable walking that short distance.

Anyway.. here I am almost back home, about 3 houses away from ours. I had stepped out into the street to walk because there was an area of the sidewalk that was covered with ice and water. There is a car parked along side the street and as I passed it I happened to glance down..and there is a man laying there. Not moving...in the gutter between the street and the curb. His pants were down around his knees and his shirt/jacket/coat was covering his head. My first thought was to walk over to see if he was ok..but then fear held me back thinking that someone else might be around there.

So I took off on a half run/half really f-ing fast walk and got Greg. We went back out onto the sidewalk while I called 911 and the police were there within minutes. Followed by an ambulance just minutes later.

I really honestly thought he was dead. But the officers roused him and got him to mumble something.

After they loaded him into the ambulance the officer came over and took my information and asked me a few questions. She said he was alive, and didn't appear to have life threatening injuries, but that they would be taking him to the hospital and would figure out what happened.

It rattled me. Scared me a lot. The thought of someone beating someone and then dumping them half dressed out onto the ice covered street just makes me ill. Is it terrible of me to just hope that he was a drunk on a bender and was sleeping there?

I need to go to bed.

Someone got a new CAMERA!!!!

2009-02-09T06:07:00.000-08:00

It is my Valentine's, birthday and several more holiday presents camera. I love it!

Thank you sweetie! :)

This is a geranium that I have been babying since last summer. I just didn't have the heart to let it freeze this winter, so I brought it in last fall and have moved it with me to b/f's place and apparently.. it likes this house, too as it is blooming and looks so pretty! The cats keep digging in it though. Ugh. Does anyone know a remedy to keep cats out of plants??

More later...gotta get moving this morning!

Saturday...

2009-02-07T06:22:00.000-08:00

Woke up fairly early this morning. The bf wanted to go back to sleep, so I left him in bed and got up and made coffee. Been surfing blogs and the net. Went for a walk. It's kind of hard to walk these days as we have had a bit of a thaw the last week or so. The snow has melted a bit and now made ice on the sidewalks. So it's slow going. I still enjoy it though. I usually take the same path, see the same dogs, past the park, down a block and then head home.

Things are going pretty darn good with me living here. We have only had one major spat and were able to work that out. I really enjoy living in a house again, rather than my old apartment. You will probably think I am nuts, but I enjoy doing the laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc... It's a familiar role...something I did for a long, long time and was good at. It definitely makes me feel that I am somewhat paying my way here and am useful.

I am finding that I am returning to my "happy" self again. Since moving in here, I do not have that worry of being homeless and of racking up more bills that I can't pay. That is a HUGE relief off my shoulders. I am so thankful to have the b/f and his generousity of letting me move in has made a huge difference in my life.

I am feeling very optimistic about my future. The classes I am taking are going well and are giving me confidence again that I WILL be able to find a job with my new and improved skills. A job that will sustain me. That excites me.

It's so different now when you are jobless. It used to be...that when someone lost their job, well they just went and got another one! There were jobs out there and if not in your field? well hey.. you could always get on at the grocery store or discount store til something better came along. Or you could wait tables or something. NOW? there just aren't any jobs out there. It's sad. and scary.
**************

If you will recall an earlier post, I had told you that my daughter was chosen to be a candidate for Snow Queen at her high school. (and if you remember, i was more excited about it than she was. heh)
Anyway..she called me the other day and told me that she has resigned as a candidate. I asked her why and she told me that the other girls were taking it far too seriously, were bitchy and jealous and she just didn't want to be a part of that. It was far too superficial for her taste. So. I told her I was very happy that she stood up for her beliefs and that if this is what she wanted to do, then by all means do it. She seems much more happy now...that she is out of the running and the drama.
(I will admit that I was a little tiny bit disappointed...but that was because *I* was excited about it, not because of her decision. I was really proud of her for going her own way.)

****************

The big art gallery/art center here in our fair city has a cool deal on the first Saturday of every month. On that day it is free admission and they have different artists set up demonstrating their skills. People can participate and make things and learn. Today they are also going to have an ice sculptor there, live music and lots of other stuff. I am rather excited to go and experience all of that. BF has a side job that he needs to work on, so this will give us each a bit of time to ourselves this weekend.

Thursday...

2009-02-05T06:18:00.000-08:00

Funny story to tell.

Backround info: The art class I attend each week is held in a very large room that is divided by a (duh,) room divider or moveable wall type thing. It is still open on the top and bottom, though.

Ok. So there are about 25 people in the art class I am in, drawing quietly. No noise. On the other side of the room divider, there were two women talking. I guess they didn't realize that we could hear EVERYTHING they said. Loud AND clear on our side of the room.

So we are sitting there..drawing our model...when all of a sudden we hear this conversation from the other side of the room :

Girl one: How is your baby doing?
Girl two: Oh, she is much better once we got rid of that rash.
Girl one: What kind of rash was it?
Girl two: Well it happened at birth, it had something to do with the amniotic fluid, blah, blah..but we got it cleared up. The worst part was that *I* got the rash,too.
Girl one: Oh man..
Girl two: It was ALL.OVER.MY.VAGINA. It itched and burned and was awful. As if MY VAGINA were not sore enough from having a baby, then I had to get this rash!

I swear to goodness she said VAGINA and RASH at least 10 times each. I was smirking a little and a few people gave a little giggle.
They finally moved on to another room I guess, and left us in peace.

I bet she had NO IDEA that we knew all about her VAGINA RASH now. :)

Thieves...

2009-02-03T06:28:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, in one of my classes, a girl had a large target bag full of clothes.
I had seen her earlier in the day all dressed up and when we got to keyboarding she sat down next to me, but had on different clothes.
I said to her..hey! you changed clothes. She said yeah..I went shopping at Target early this morning and wanted to see if this outfit was the right size.
So then she says.. you want to see what all I bought? I got it all for under $50. I said sure! let me see!
So she starts pulling out outfits. Several spring dresses and a couple of tank tops and some tee shirts and jeans.
I was oooing and ahhhing over everything and then I got to thinking and said "Wow! you go all of that for under $50 bucks?? That was quite a deal!"
She stared folding things back up and looked at me and said.. "Well... I changed the price tags on all of it. I took off clearance tags and put it on the new spring clothes...so I only paid $4 for each item."
At first I thought I had heard her wrong. And I am sure she saw the look on my face...and then she said "Well..it's better than stealing!"

I went back to keyboarding.. pissed as hell. Farking people.
********************

The b/f bought a laser pointer for the kitties. OMG..that is hours of enjoyment. They are so cute when they chase it. :)

Finding my way...

2009-02-01T07:16:00.000-08:00

So I talked a little about the empowerment class I am taking.

Our instructor did tell us that sometimes this class can stir up some stuff on the inside of us that may be somewhat unpleasant. She also suggested that if we had major issues with what we learned or felt that we should seek out a therapist.
I don't feel that I need a therapist, but I do feel the need to write some stuff so that I can see it concretely and not just have these thoughts floating freely in my head.

I have tried to think back, to when I did feel empowered. To try to figure out where? in my lifetime did I lose that sense of self worth, of my birthright to KNOW that I am important, loveable and valueable. I have thought and thought and honestly I cannot think of the last time I felt that way. It goes back far, far, far into childhood.

Everyone is born with a sense of empowerment. You can look at a small child and watch them walk into a room...they are not scared, embarrassed or anything. They walk in..look around and say hello! They KNOW on the inside that they are valueable, loveable and important. They have not had that taken from them. (oh and btw? this is not a blame game. I am not looking for a person/persons as to who to blame my loss of empowerment on. Just saying.)

I guess..what this has stirred up inside me the most is that I can now look back over the past 10 years or so and realize all the things I have done that were not the greatest and were really? my internal side looking for my sense of empowerment without even knowing it.

Of course, at the time when I was doing things that were not so smart..I didn't realize what I was doing. All I knew was that it felt good.

I was looking for someone, or something to tell me hey...you really ARE loveable. You ARE a valueable human.

I was just looking in the wrong place. At the wrong people.
When all the time... *I* was the only person who could tell me that. *I* am the only one, me, inside, who can tell myself... yes, I am a valueable, loveable, important person....for NO other reason but the fact that I am alive. This is my birthright.

This makes me smile and sigh at the same time. Just knowing this..really knowing it and trying to understand it let's me know that I no longer have to take advantage of myself, or allow myself to be taken advantage of, to feel real. To feel valuable. To feel loveable. To feel important.

I am. Just because.

Friday...

2009-01-30T07:15:00.000-08:00

Wow yesterday was a busy day for me. It started with class at 9 am and ended with me getting home from a freelance nail job around 11:15 pm. I am happy that today is much easier, with some bill paying, errand running and catching up with some paperwork I need to get done.

Remember on the old blog when I told the story about my jeep getting stolen and me getting it back? and then i.d.ing the "perp" at the police station? Well that all happened in late July and early August of '08. So low and behold, I got a letter in the mail stating that they were ready to try this woman for a Theft of a Motor Vehicle-felony. I have the right to restitution..so I need to get some paperwork filled out on the things they broke and stole from the inside of my jeep. Hard to believe that it has taken this long but hey...at least she is being prosecuted.

I am starting to feel a bit settled finally in the bf's house. It is tough, as this is not really my space, and I feel kinda displaced, but I am sure that will fall into place eventually.

I got to get my cats back from the "cat sitter"..so that is awesome. We weren't sure if the bf's daughter could be around pets as she is going through chemo for luekemia. But with the doctor's ok...the kitties are here and being spoiled rotten.

I am taking a keyboarding class and I told the instructor that I could type really well. I think he thought, yeah, sure. We tested the other day and sure enough I typed 63 wpm. Heh. He was pretty surprised. Especially when most other people in my class haven't typed or are really rusty. I just kept thinking... that's what I get for blogging and online chatting! Cuz, seriously?? that is how I got so fast...online chatting and daily typing on the blogs.
Now to get my 10-key that fast. I am pretty good at that, but still need some work on the decimals.

I AM.....

2009-01-27T20:29:00.001-08:00

In the empowerment class I am taking I am learning a lot.

One of the first things we talked about was core value.
I am worthy. I am valuable. I am loveable. I am important.
Everyone is. It is our birthright. Core value.

Maybe for some of you, that is a given. Just something that you have always known to be true.
For others, like me, it is something that needs to be relearned.
Somewhere along the way.. I lost touch with my core value.

Our teacher is wonderful. She explains everything so well and really keeps us interested.

We are working on learning to regulate our emotions. Rather than just on/off...like a dimmer switch on a light.. regulate. This is something I really need and have needed in my life for probably at least the last 10 years. My emotions have controlled me. When it should be the other way around.

Anyway.. I am loving this class and it is going to be a lot of hard work to understand and implement these changes. I know I can do it though...it is going to change my life for the better.

Whew.

2009-01-26T20:12:00.000-08:00

What a weekend.
Bright and early Saturday we picked up the moving truck and got started moving me into the bf's house.
It was a chilly -16* F..actual temp and -25* F..wind chill. Needless to say, it wasn't pleasant.
We had 4 people working: Me, bf, bf's brother and my oldest son, so it went relatively quick and smoothly.
I unpacked some on Saturday evening and some on Sunday. I also went and cleaned the old apartment Sunday. So. That's that.
Today I had classes until 2 p.m, then hung out with the bf's girls for a while and after supper I went to a figure drawing class with the oldest son.
We went last week also. Last week the model was a man and this week a woman. It is so much easier for me to draw a woman...I am not sure why..other than I *AM* a woman thus more comfortable? I dunno.
Anyway.. the life drawing classes are great and I am loving the practice.

Two big things going on!
One: my daughter was nominated for Snow Queen (kinda like Homecoming queen, I am thinking). Which is pretty damn cool.. she is one of 6 girls out of the senior class of about 150 kids. I am probably more excited that she is ;)
I told her omg I always wanted to be homecoming queen or any kind of queen when I was in high school..but was never nominated..and MY class had 22 kids in it. Good. Grief. That goes to show you that I am NOT queen material I guess.. Sniff. Anyway.. Snow week is next week..and on Friday will be the ceremony... I am going to go..come hell or deep snow!

Two: A while back the oldest son and I applied to be in an art gallery show that was featuring artistic family members. Well. We got in!! I don't know all the details yet, but it is in early March. I will tell ya more about it when I find out more..but I am pumped. It should be awesome!

Still packing....

2009-01-23T20:29:00.000-08:00

First I want to thank you readers for following me. That was the worst part of closing the other blog..I was so afraid I would lose you guys. Which is kinda silly cuz I can still read yours, but anyway.

I have been packing most of the day and pacing back and forth the other part of the day. I know this move is the best thing for me right now, but I will miss my little apartment. Lately we have had some weird things going on in the building, police visiting neighbors in the middle of the night, people running in and out and frankly I am a little weirded out. Our building is supposed to secure, but the main lock to the outside have been broken on and off for over a month, letting anyone in and out as they please. So that is another benefit of moving. I won't be scared anymore.

This should work out well for both the bf and I. I will be paying less rent and don't have the worry of racking up tons of more bills I can't pay. Just the security of knowing I have somewhere to go is comforting.

I will also be doing some household chores, cooking and some child care when needed in return for paying less rent. This will help out the bf, too as he is a single dad, who works full time and having two young daughters is a lot of work!

I really think this will work for us. Not only are we in love with each other, we really do like each other, too.

I am sure there will be challenges, but hopefully we can work through them as they come.

I still need to pack my bathroom stuff and a few more kitchen things...so I better get busy and then get to bed!

I wasn't ready yet....

2009-01-23T11:37:00.000-08:00

I am stumped about something. I had a very, very close friend. We live several states apart, but still for more than 3 years we were so close. Like sisters. We talked every day. Every.single. day. We had a lot in common in our lives and I think that is what brought us so close. We shared the same wacky sense of humor so that helped, too.

Several months ago she grew distant. I knew that she had issues in her home life that were very stressful, so I chalked it up to that. I couldn't think of anything *I* had done, so I emailed her and asked.. what was it? did I do something? She responded no, it was not me, just a lot going on in her life.

For some reason she didn't feel the need to share her problems with me anymore. I know that I have made choices in my life that she didn't necessarily approve of, but I always knew that she cared for me and loved me no matter what.

There has been no contact now for the last 3 weeks at least. No phone calls, no texts, no im's, no nothing. I tried several times and it was strained. I thought if I didn't push that she would come back and find me and be my friend again.

I have to admit that it hurts a lot. I see her online and she doesn't say anything. She has fun little posts on facebook that I am no longer included in.

I realize that friendships evolve. That things change and people move on. I just wish it happened for both people at the same time. I wasn't ready to lose my friend yet.

I miss her.

Yeah, yeah.. it's me...

2009-01-22T21:10:00.001-08:00

So yeah. You KNEW I could not stay quiet for long, right?
I laid to rest the old blog for several reasons.
1. it contained things from my life that while I want to remember, I do not want nor need to focus on any longer.
2. A snoopy beeyatch from my real life began reading (over ten hours of reading and over 375 pages read, according to my site meter) and I no longer felt comfortable saying anything.
3. I need to be more anonymous. I have adult and near adult children and really did not want them to read everything I had ever said.

So that being what it is....I am back in business, just being Simply Sneaky. I enjoy blogging and writing and just couldn't give it up. So.

I am moving in less than 48 hours. Here I sit. Lawdy....I need to get busy here!
The cats are jumping in and out of the boxes and trying to figure out wth is going on!
I am moving in with the boyfriend for a few months, until I can get back on my feet financially. Neither of us is really sure how this will all work out...but I think we can do it and make it work. I will admit I am nervous about it, just because I am afraid that it might ruin the relationship that we have now. Keep your fingers crossed for us! :)

I will update again soon and get this blog rolling!