Simply Sneaky

So I was out of town last week for the entire week.

It was a nice time, quiet. Lake with cabins and trees and deer and nature.
I read two books, took naps, avoided things that I didn't want to think about.

Now I am back and the things that I didn't think about were all waiting at the door.
Wearing flashy neon shirts, waves their arms wildly, making sure that I didn't forget them.

Oh I didn't forget. As hard as I tried, I knew they would be there when I got back.
Those little demons gnawed at me all night long last night. I thought things that in the light of day in my prescription drug induced calm, make me feel really sad. REALLY sad.

My health is not good. My relationship is struggling. Money is non existant. The excitement of going back to college has gone away as I really can't afford to buy the supplies I need for the photography classes. More poor choices, I should have known. What in the world ever made me think I could make something work this time.?.

I swear every time I light a little candle, I see that glimmer of hope and love and all that is good in my world, the breeze picks up and blows it out. Then I am left standing there smelling that horrid smoke drifting up from the wick.

When I start to think that there is only one way out of this whole sordid mess...I see the faces of my children when they were little. His wide smile and mischievious eyes, the other's blond curls that I stroked as he laid his head on my shoulder and her beautiful, one dimpled little face. I see my sister, who already feels so alone and lonely. I see the man that I love, who came to me half way through this life and made my heart love again, explode with a love that I didn't really think was possible for me. When I see those faces in my mind's eye, I KNOW that that way out is not an option.

So.

I will pick up another dish and wash it. I will fold more clean clothes.

I will find a way to make it through today.