Simply Sneaky
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tuesday....
Thought I would write down a few thoughts since I have a day off today.
I am working two part time jobs right now, which equal out to a little more than 40 hours a week. The down side to that is that I work every day, including weekends. Today is my first day off in 7 days and I won't see another one til next Tuesday when I think I have another one off. I don't mind working either job, I just wish I had ONE job that paid well enough. Yanno? It has been said that I "only" work part time, but in my opinion (which on THIS blog counts the most!) at age (almost)45 working two part time jobs that equal more than 40 hours, standing on my feet the ENTIRE time at both jobs, is pretty f*cking hard.
On my day off today I am going to clean the bf's brother's house, so really? that's not a day off, but whatever.
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with so much stuff to do, so many things I want to do and not enough energy and time to get it all done. Oh well, I am sure that is how everyone feels, I am not feeling special or anything. :)
*****
Spring is slowly but surely coming here and things are sprouting up and budding out. Looking forward to spending some time outside.
I am still on track with the 365 project and can't wait to be able to take some pictures of flowers and outside stuff.
*****
Spring has notoriously been a time of depression for me. Why? I would not be able to explain it to you. It just seems that each spring I suffer a bout of depression. The worst times I have had for depression have been in the spring. This year I am feeling super hopeful that it won't happen. Last year wasn't too bad, so maybe this year will be even better. I "think" it has to do with when I was living a life that I was not happy in/with, that spring represented a renewal of sorts and I was unable to renew or move ahead or move beyond my problems. I felt stunted and resentful. Since I am not in that situation anymore, hopefully it will be different this spring.
*****
I finally filed for my divorce last week. It has been many years in the making and we have been physically seperated for nearly 4 years. Emotionally it started many years before that. So what was the hold up you ask? Well first and foremost was money. It is expensive to file for divorce and I just didn't have the money. Second we were waiting for our youngest to turn 18, so that we wouldn't have to do the whole court, child support, custody thing. This way I was able to print the forms off online, fill them out and have them notarized and take them to the court house. And then wait for the judge to look it over and sign it. It is supposed to take about a month, so we will see.
Do I feel bad about getting divorced? Well that question has many, many answers. On one hand:
Yes, I do as I was taught that divorce was wrong.
Yes, I do as I made a promise a long time ago to make this work.
Yes, I do as it is an end to a "family" unit.
Yes, I do as it makes me feel like a quitter and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming.
On the other hand:
No, I do not because I gave many, many years (over 20) to a relationship that was never going to make ME happy. It was an unhealthy, verbally abusive relationship that damaged me.
No, because I am much healthier and happier out of that relationship.
No, because I think (?) it shows my children, especially my daughter, that a person does NOT have to endure abuse and unhappiness to be able to survive in this world. Yes, none of my children are happy about the divorce, but I do think that they love both of their parents and know that this is the best outcome.
anyway.. those are just some of my thoughts on that subject.
*****
I am so thankful for so many things in my life right now.
A bf that is kind and loving and "knows" me and loves me anyway.
Healthy children.
Two part time jobs and the income that they provide.
Spring and sunshine.
Dreams, hopes and visions.
I am working two part time jobs right now, which equal out to a little more than 40 hours a week. The down side to that is that I work every day, including weekends. Today is my first day off in 7 days and I won't see another one til next Tuesday when I think I have another one off. I don't mind working either job, I just wish I had ONE job that paid well enough. Yanno? It has been said that I "only" work part time, but in my opinion (which on THIS blog counts the most!) at age (almost)45 working two part time jobs that equal more than 40 hours, standing on my feet the ENTIRE time at both jobs, is pretty f*cking hard.
On my day off today I am going to clean the bf's brother's house, so really? that's not a day off, but whatever.
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with so much stuff to do, so many things I want to do and not enough energy and time to get it all done. Oh well, I am sure that is how everyone feels, I am not feeling special or anything. :)
*****
Spring is slowly but surely coming here and things are sprouting up and budding out. Looking forward to spending some time outside.
I am still on track with the 365 project and can't wait to be able to take some pictures of flowers and outside stuff.
*****
Spring has notoriously been a time of depression for me. Why? I would not be able to explain it to you. It just seems that each spring I suffer a bout of depression. The worst times I have had for depression have been in the spring. This year I am feeling super hopeful that it won't happen. Last year wasn't too bad, so maybe this year will be even better. I "think" it has to do with when I was living a life that I was not happy in/with, that spring represented a renewal of sorts and I was unable to renew or move ahead or move beyond my problems. I felt stunted and resentful. Since I am not in that situation anymore, hopefully it will be different this spring.
*****
I finally filed for my divorce last week. It has been many years in the making and we have been physically seperated for nearly 4 years. Emotionally it started many years before that. So what was the hold up you ask? Well first and foremost was money. It is expensive to file for divorce and I just didn't have the money. Second we were waiting for our youngest to turn 18, so that we wouldn't have to do the whole court, child support, custody thing. This way I was able to print the forms off online, fill them out and have them notarized and take them to the court house. And then wait for the judge to look it over and sign it. It is supposed to take about a month, so we will see.
Do I feel bad about getting divorced? Well that question has many, many answers. On one hand:
Yes, I do as I was taught that divorce was wrong.
Yes, I do as I made a promise a long time ago to make this work.
Yes, I do as it is an end to a "family" unit.
Yes, I do as it makes me feel like a quitter and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming.
On the other hand:
No, I do not because I gave many, many years (over 20) to a relationship that was never going to make ME happy. It was an unhealthy, verbally abusive relationship that damaged me.
No, because I am much healthier and happier out of that relationship.
No, because I think (?) it shows my children, especially my daughter, that a person does NOT have to endure abuse and unhappiness to be able to survive in this world. Yes, none of my children are happy about the divorce, but I do think that they love both of their parents and know that this is the best outcome.
anyway.. those are just some of my thoughts on that subject.
*****
I am so thankful for so many things in my life right now.
A bf that is kind and loving and "knows" me and loves me anyway.
Healthy children.
Two part time jobs and the income that they provide.
Spring and sunshine.
Dreams, hopes and visions.
posted by S at 6:58 AM
3 Comments:
I'm glad you got this all out. It was a good read and I hope it cheered you up a bit. Love both sides of your thoughts on your divorce. Well, you know, as much as you can love talk about divorce ; )
Wow, has it been four years already. I'm happy that you're in a good relationship now. What a difference that makes. :-)
S,
I had the same spring blues for the last couple of years, for very similar reasons. My husband's delusions flare up each spring and it is hard not to get depressed if everything around is waking up, trees are green again, birds chirp and you are stuck in the bottomless pit of a marriage gone wrong, listening to the endless ramblings of paranoid man who looks like the impostor of a man you once loved and married.
I hope divorce gives you some more closure and you get proper springtime from now on :-) And I know this will sound corny, but thank you for blogging through thick and thin and showing me that there is the light at the end of the tunnel and that I can one day get my life back, too.
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